Checklist for BTs

 

Tips for Baalei Teshuvah and Converts

1) The goal is God. Connect to Him, serve Him, love, fear -- there are many ways to describe it. We don't usually do it directly. He doesn't shake your hand. We do it through Torah, mitzvos, tefillah, chesed - through Jewish life. There are many ways to do it, many derachim. Find the one that works for you. The one may consist of numerous derachim patched together. It may contain your own innovations. You’ll meet people who seem happily Litivsh, Mizrachi, or Bobov et. al., but they were likely raised that way. You don’t have to jam yourself into a derech. As you connect to Hashem you'll feel that something positive is happening. Sometimes that involves feeling protected and loved, sometimes it involves seeing things to work on within yourself. It doesn't mean that you feel like you are flying, but it's generally positive. If you find yourself around people that are taking you away from God, get away from them. 

2) Hold on to your brain. Changing over your life, you become vulnerable. And you'll meet many people who overwhelm you. Jews have a tendency to dominate. Don't lose yourself. Your mind, instincts, and basic dignity should be protected. When you know nothing about a topic, you tend to get impressed by people who know anything. That means any Frum from birth (FFB) person. But in time you'll see that many FFBs actually know very little, are very narrow, are full of cliches. Even if they know something, they know nothing about baalei tesvhuah or converts and their needs. This includes many so-called rabbis. When you surrender your brain, you have entered a cult. Yes, mentors can be helpful in life, but you need to think for yourself, trust your instincts. 

3) Look after your basic human needs. You need to have a parnassah in a field you enjoy, you need to marry a spouse you like, you need to live in a place that you feel positive about. Don't surrender all that to "Torah." You don't have to live in poverty and boredom. Protect your basic human dignity. Believe it or not, there are people who will try to take that away from you. Walking around terrified and neurotic is not dignified. Feeling horrible about yourself is not helpful either.

4) Ignore all the internecine fighting. Most of that is male ego, each guy thinking his team is the best team. All the derachim have merits. Even Open Orthodoxy has its merits. So do Satmar, Chabad. They all have merits. The yeshiva world in particular has made a lifestyle of mocking and condemning all the other groups and they have this way of sounding noble about it. But such mockering isn't noble. It's lashon hara and ego. All the nitpicking and slamming are a distraction to you.

5) Don't leap. Step by step, slowly, slowly you proceed. Grow a little, absorb it, grow some more. It is very dangerous to leap. Throwing away all your interests is very dangerous. You like golf, wonderful. The immodest materials should go, but the golf clubs can stay. Actually, Rabbi Avigdor Miller was asked by a guy what to do with his dirty magazine. R' Miller said, I can tell by the way you are asking that you have many. Start by getting rid of one of them, he said. Slowly, slowly. 

6) You don't need to go to yeshiva. Some people get ruined in yeshiva. None of them really are built for baalei teshuvah. Mostly they are just yeshivas, staffed by people who are looking for a parnassah who don't know anything but Gemara study. They enjoyed an entire childhood of gradual introduction to Torah and mitzvos. As adults, they came to focus on Gemara lomdus, and that that’s where they start you. It's very selfish really, or ignorant at best. They don't go to teacher's colleges for BTs. Hardly any yeshivas are designed for BTs. I don't recommend any place wholeheartedly, but a few can be helpful. Find a place that has classes in Hebrew language, mitzvos, basic halacha, history, basic principles like emunah, and Tanach. Find a place that gives meaningful answers to the many questions you will have. If questions are disdained or treated flippantly or rudely, run. For men, some Mishnah and Gemara are important too. Women can study these subjects if they want. But it should come with an introduction, some background on the Talmud, some history, some discussion of its style which is very different from what you find the textbook that you are used to. You can’t just open up to page 2 and begin.

7)  You don't need to go to Israel. Torah can be kept anywhere, at least anywhere there's a Chabad house, better still if there's a larger shul and a school.  You don't need to even visit Israel. Some benefit from it, some really get hurt by it. It's hard to even say the word Israel without the brain just summonsing up propaganda. The place has its merits and its problems. It's not a dream land. It won't solve all your problems. It's not coming home to family. It’s hard to earn a living there. And most likely, it's a very different culture from what you are used to. Make sure you can deal with it before you trudge on out there. 

8) Be careful in choosing rabbanim. Some are helpful and some are not. Some are caring and some are fools at least when it comes to BTs. Don't rush into anything. Watch people and see how they behave over time. Test out their ideas and teachings. 

9) Declutter. All human beings have unhealthy attitudes and habits. For the BT, there are all kinds of 'goyish', if I can call it that, mindsets to get away from. Many of the goyish mindsets are really secular Jewish ones. Those can be the worst. Worship of college, feminism, career worship, excessive frivolity, materialism, secular Zionism, trying to change the world, whining - there are all things one should try to transcend. Use the garbage can, meaning declutter. Throw away the foolish attitudes. It takes time. But God will help you. Side note, FFBs have their own foolishness.

10) Don't throw away everything you enjoy but get headphones. You don't have to throw all your CDs in the garbage, but don't play them out loud in the house either. Get headphones. This applies to many things. You like baseball? So go to a game. Go play baseball. You don’t necessarily have to bring your kids. Let your kids be FFBs. You be a BT. They don't have to hear about every secular thing you have ever been a part of. Some of it has merit, but still, your kids are better off not hearing about most of it. It gets too confusing, and they may not be as able to separate the good from the bad. However, don’t be a tyrant. Don’t be terrified of anything secular coming into the house. You can’t stop it all.

11) Don't put off marriage but don't rush into one.  Torah study is not more important than marriage. The first mitzvah in the Torah is 'be fruitful and multiply', which means marriage. Don't push it off. The best ones get taken, you age, you lose your looks and fertility. You become set in your ways. Younger is better. However, don't rush into a marriage. Take whatever time is needed. Six months maybe. Sometimes a year. BTs go through many changes and are pressured to put on an act, so you need more time to sort things out. You don't need to be perfectly certain about wanting to marry the other person, but you should get to know him or her. That means, stay out of restaurants. You can't get to know anyone at a restaurant. Be in different settings. Have a normal relationship. That means ladies, do some of the work! Make a picnic for him. If you put everything on the guy, then you will not have a normal relationship. Dating doesn't mean that you do a paranoid investigation, it means "getting to know you, getting to learn all about you." Don't look for perfection. You are not perfect either. Enjoy the person in all their complexity. And remember that the person in front of you was put there by Hashem, so don't condescend, don't disdain this opportunity.

12) Value all the mitzvos. Many in the yeshiva world will have you believe that only one mitzvah matters, ie. Gemara lomdus. There are 613 mitzvos and all of them are very important. All of them envelope you like a warm coat in the winter. What? Talmud Torah c’neged culam they keep telling you. What does that even mean? C’neged doesn’t mean greater. It doesn’t even mean equal. The Talmud says also that tzedukah is c’neged culam. Bris milah is c’neged culam. Chazal say the same about Shabbos, tzitzis, Eretz Yisroel, and lashon hara. So it’s not so simple. Shlomo HaMelech said the sum of the matter is to fear/be in awe of Hashem and to keep the commandments. That’s a good rule of thumb.

13) Study the subject of cults. The line in the frum world is that sure there are cults in the world, but we don't have that. Well, we do have that, in varying forms. Be able to spot traits of cults - deceptive recruiting, isolation, personality breakdown, brain washing/propaganda, us vs them mentality, thought stopping, phobia inducement, idolization of self-appointed leaders, control of one's live, devaluation of your mind. Be careful out there. People don't join cults willingly. They get fooled. Really smart people can get fooled. Torah observant Judaism in its pure form is not, in my opinion, a cult. But frum life today can be very cultish. 

14) Take pride in your accomplishment. You have done something amazing, something only a small percentage of Jews do. If you are a convert, even better. You'll be treated as something of a second-class citizen in the OJ world, sometimes less than that. But ignore that. You are a prince or princess.  

15) Consider the following resources. Your handlers may never mention any of the following to you even once, but these are good resources for BTs. Rav Aryeh Kaplan, Chabad, Rav Avigdor Miller, Rav Samson Rafael Hirsch, Rav Yosef Soloveitchik, Yeshiva University’s www.yutorah.org, Professor Marc Shapiro, Web Yeshiva, Torah In Motion.

16) Don’t Let Them Get the Best of You. The OJ world has some nice people and some not-so-nice people. Many BTs are alarmed by the ubiquitous abrasive personalities that they encounter. Just ignore them and move on. Don’t let them turn you off. Develop a thick skin. Judaism is your heritage. Don’t let anyone take it away from you.

17) Money is required. Raising a frum family is expensive. You need six figures to get by. Try to get a good parnassah and don’t be one of these people who floats about in your idealism, flying off to Eretz Yisroel every 3 months, lingering in yeshiva forever, or wasting your money on restaurants. Ladies, that means you too. Save your pennies. Don’t live luxuriously assuming some rich man will save you.

18) The world you come from is not completely empty. The world you come from is not all ‘narishkite.’ You learned many useful things there, and you may continue to. Don’t erase your brain or your experience. Utilize it. Moshe learned important ideas about leadership in the house of Pharaoh.  However, much of that world is empty. It takes time to distinguish one from the other.  

19) Women are not better than men. They are not more spiritual. All of that talk is really disguised chauvinism. It’s silly. It’s false. I can show you dozens of Torah sources that back my statement. Men and women are different. They have different roles. The women are better talk leads to shalom bayis problems.

20) Don’t be bitter. Find solutions. This is true in all of life and here too. If you can’t deal with conventional roles, carve out something different. As the Queen used to say, “don’t complain, don’t explain.” Just do your thing. Maybe keep it private. You don’t have to broadcast your strategies to the world.  

And here we are

The Brisker Rav said it long ago. The purpose of Zionism is to eradicate Judaism. And here we are, the High Court of ignoramuses has decreed a draft on all Haredim. We knew this day would come. Or more precisely, the Satmar Rebbe, Rav Shmuel Auerbach, Rav Avigdor Miller, Rav Shimon Schwab and numerous other great rabbis knew it would come. They warned us. The army which tells young men “You don’t listen to the rabbis anymore. You listen to us,” is no place for Haredim. I have been in Israel for a decade, and I have met all kinds of soldiers, including the so-called Haredi soldiers and the so-called Dati-Leumi soldiers. The gap between them and a proper Haredi is a galaxy. One is religious and one is not. The Haredim can tolerate their barely religious brothers when they are going about their own business, but when they are trying to destroy them, they are no longer brothers. What about me? I’m not really Haredi but I try. I know it’s the right way. I certainly don’t interfere in their business. I wouldn’t dream of taking a sweet boy from Meah She’arim and slaughtering him in the IDF killing machine. Anybody who advocates that is an enemy of God. Of that I am certain.

We are in a war now, brought to the boiling point by some yentas who run country. Klal Yisroel is supposed to be run by wise old rabbis with beards. Now a modern woman who they call the Attorney General, who has no connection to God or Torah, has decreed that the government must implement the folly of the High Court, which has yentas of its own. Yentas are running the nation. Hashem save us from them. 

The army doesn’t need Haredim. If the military leaders hadn’t been so arrogant as to ignore reports of an impending terrorist attack, we wouldn’t be in this mess. You don’t need a universal draft to fight a bunch of hoodlums who fly kites over a fence. You just need competent leadership, which the State of Israel doesn’t have on any level. And the reason is that Zionism wrecks the mind by taking thoughts of God out and putting self-worship in. 

The skunk water that the Israeli police thugs sprayed on the protestors last night is fitting. It smells like the State of Israel, the Mistake of Israel. That’s the stench of a lie. And all of Zionism is a lie. It was supposed to bring a Jewish state. But it isn’t a Jewish state. It’s an Israeli state. You can’t be a Jew in Israel anymore. A Jew keeps mitzvos. The army beats that out of you. The Israeli government wants the Haredim to smell as bad as the rest of the people in Israel. Jews without mitzvos smell bad. So do liars and thieves.  

It’s always been tough for Haredim here. The hatred that is directed toward them is something to behold. I have been accosted numerous times. A Haredi gets more leers in Tel Aviv or even Old Beit Shemesh than he would in Selma, Alabama. Actually, he might not get any in Alabama, but he definitely will every time he’s in a Hiloni neighborhood. There’s job discrimination that I have encountered firsthand, and, as I have said, I’m not all that Haredi. I don’t walk around with a hat or jacket most of the time. The Israeli government prevents young men from getting any job training because even a day of work disqualifies the draft exemption. And as we keep trying to explain to Hilonim (and apt name for them now), who don’t understand Judaism, and Dati Leumi, who don’t understand Judaism, the Haredi aversion to the draft is not just about Torah study. The Israeli army, like any army, is a secular tyranny. It is designed with its commanders and uniforms and marching and waving flags and standing like a stiff board and saluting twenty-year olds to take over a young person’s mind to turn him into a killing machine. That’s what armies are designed to do, designed by goyim. The Zionists want to turn our youth into goyim. But worse than that, they want to brainwash these Jewish children to worship a false god, a secular state that has been intended from day one to replace the real God. 

Now, it’s beyond difficult to be Haredi in Israel. It’s impossible. We have been conned from the very beginning. Every dime that your grandmother ever sent to Israel led to this day. All the promotion of so-called Aliyah, which henceforth I shall call Yeridah, all the devilish tactics of the Zionists to chase Jews out of North Africa, to steer them from the former Soviet Union to Israel, all of that was to destroy them. I have no doubt that the devil is at the heart of Zionism, whether Zionists know it or not. The devil orchestrated all of this. 

I fear and I expect that as ugly and nasty a place as Israel was prior to this catastrophe, it’s going to get much uglier. The Israeli police, who are among the least professional police on earth are already arresting people with the charge of suspecting stone throwing. They are lying about acts of violence. This is exactly what they do to the Palestinians. We all pretended that wasn’t happening despite copious evidence. Now they are coming after Jews. They have done it before, but now it could be en masse. It was only a matter of time. We pretended that the cruelty to the Palestinians wasn’t happening. We ignored all the reports. It couldn’t be. Not the great State of Israel, that false god that can do no wrong. Not Jews. We are always wonderful. 

Well, no we are not. As I said, I have lived here for 10 years. It’s been a painful experience for the most part. Everything they tell you about this place is a lie. There’s no booming economy, there’s almost no culture, it’s a third rate democracy if it’s a democracy at all, the health care is subpar, the military is incompetent, and it’s not home. You are not among brothers. You have moved in with enemies. I regret moving to Israel with every fiber of my being. I am embarrassed that I brought my children to such a place. Will the thugs let me leave? Or will they lock me in and drop bombs on me as they do to the people of Gaza? That is the Israeli way. Arrogance and cruelty.  Did I come to Israel to be murdered by Israelis? Will "Never Again" become "Yet again but this time to heretics born to Jewish mothers"? I believe there is a real chance of it, may Hashem protect us all.

 

A Letter I Received -- Israel, it’s not me, it’s you.

  Israel, it’s not me, it’s you.

Background:

I made Aliyah nearly a decade ago while in my early 20’s from a major U.S. city. I served in the army as a combat soldier, became fluent in Hebrew, I work in an Israeli company, and all in all have assimilated well to Israeli society.

Now, lately I’ve become fed up with the constant level of stress living here. It’s become so bad now I suffer from chronic headaches. My actual physical health is being affected by living here. Seriously, I ended up in the ER because my head didn’t stop pounding for over a week. The diagnosis… “you’re way too stressed out”.

It feels like nearly everything you do will incur the highest possible level of stress for the given task. You want to go shopping? Count on someone cutting you in line. You want to take a cab? More than likely the driver will try to cheat or overcharge you.

I consistently discover “errors” in my paycheck, always to my loss.

At some point you lose count of all the times you receive some bill from two years ago that you never knew you had, and now it’s in collections while your bank account is under seizure. What’s more, when you try to find out how to dispute or complain about an incident, you hardly ever find reprieve. If by chance there is a channel to justice, it’s usually not worth the energy.

In Israel it is just an extra level of being on top of things. Now, every couple months I check with every possible body (municipality, national collections, police, toll roads) just to make sure that someone isn’t trying to collect on me for some debt or fine they never did their due diligence to inform me about.

Just yesterday, I tried to take my car out of a private paid parking lot in Jerusalem, but because the management hadn’t removed the snow that had fallen the night before, I was unable to move my car. Coincidentally enough, the attendant decided not to show up to work either. Flash forward to today, the attendant insists that it’s my fault and that I should have dug my way out with my hands if I had to; he insisted on further payment. Voices were raised, insults flung, legal threats floated around. In the end, I’m just waiting for Shabbat when the gates are open to move my car.

I wish that this was an isolated incident.

I travel abroad for work. At the moment I hold no permanent apartment, and use Airbnb or hotels for the time I’m in country. More times than not, I arrive to an Airbnb and there is something wrong (no hot water, dirty, different location, heat/AC broken). Not to mention the prices for lodging are ridiculous. You’d expect, if you’re paying $150 per night for a box in Tel Aviv, that at least that box will be ready when you arrive.

- I actually had an Airbnb host offer me what amounted to a 1.3% discount on a one week stay as compensation for lack of hot water… in December!

Needless to say this instance required Airbnb getting involved. In the end I received two nights refunded, and left the host a scathing review. Unfortunately for future guests, all the host did was remove the listing and post it as a new property, deleting my review.

There really is no end in sight for this kind of behavior, it’s more than just the “charming straightforwardness” Israel is famous for. This is a pervasive culture of abuse.

I suppose when I was younger, and Aliyah was this big adventure, everything was fascinating as I tried to assimilate to my new country. Now, as a 30-something year old, it’s just exhausting, and it’s not fun anymore.

I’m sick of constantly being blamed for the shortcomings of Israeli businesses, and institutions.

It’s much like an abusive relationship that started wonderful, then turned sour.

We’re constantly gaslit by greedy telecom companies, dense government offices, and corrupt landlords that somehow their incompetence and constant fuck-ups, are our faults.

Enough… I’ve decided to leave. I’ve booked a ticket for three months on a tropical beach somewhere where the people are known for their smiles, not their scowls. After that,

I have no idea what’s next… but for now Israel, we’re done.

It’s not me, it’s you.

Check List for Selecting a Rav

1. Caring. A person who cares about others. 

2. Humility. Doesn't claim to have an answer for everything. Will defer questions to others who may be better equipped to answer. Will say, "Let me think about it," and will get back to you.

3. Takes the time to hear the complexity of your circumstances.

4. Gets to know you and your life story and honors it.

5. Is knowledgeable in the topics in which you are going to him. If it's halacha, he knows the spectrum of opinions. Same with hashkafa.

6. Respects the various derachim of Orthodoxy.

7. Values you as a person and respects you.

8. Understands that chozrim b'teshuvah can't just imitate FFBs. They have dreams from childhood and are not necessarily comfortable in standard Orthodox environments.

9. Proactive. Takes action on your behalf. Arranges a shiduch, suggests a job lead, lends you a book, invites you to simchas or simple meals. 

These are all requirements really, but 8 out of 9 might be sufficient. Don't attach yourself to somebody who doesn't qualify. The baseball player Ted Williams said that the best hitting advice he ever got was from Rogers Hornsby who said, look for a good pitch. Don't swing at bad pitches. So for those who keep nagging you with the question, "Do you have a rav?" the answer is none of your business, but the answer after that is, i'm looking for a good pitch. It can take a long time. There aren't many good ravs around. 

watch out for bt rabbis

 Rav Avigdor Miller said, “Now when a convert or a ba’al teshuva comes to the Jewish people, he has to know that he has to be a follower – he has to listen.  But sometimes a ba’al teshuva comes in and he takes over.  Right away he wants to teach all the old-time Jews how to be real Jews!  He knows better!  So what does he do?  He follows the models that he formed in the gentile world or in the non-religious world.  It happens.”[1]

---

[1] Rav Avigdor Miller, Tape # 30, August 1973. 

Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik on moving to Israel

 Here is what Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik said about aliyah:

"It is ridiculous to tell a young man, who does a good job, or has prepared or trained himself to do a good job [here in the U.S., that he must instead go to ארצ ישראל]. "Good job" means to spread Torah, or to lead an exemplary life which serves as an example to others through personal contact - there are many ways to convert and educate Jews. I am not giving up on American Jews. If I feel that in my town, or in my village, I will accomplish a lot, and when I come to Eretz Yisrael so I or my influence will be reduced to zero, my place is here, not there. Some who went to Eretz Yisrael achieved the same objectives they would have in the Diaspora. But only some! I know of many who fail. They don't admit it. It's nice on their part not to admit it." 

(Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, The Rav Thinking Aloud, pp. 242-3).

Is there anything good about Israel?

Well, there's something very good about the land of Israel and that's the holiness, where it hasn't been reduced or eliminated by all the sin of the state.

The Charedi communities are good, but that doesn't mean you should move to one of them from a Western country because it won't be good for you. You'll lose many mitzvos and probably will not be able to deal with the stress, poverty, etc.

Kevrei tzadickim are good, but most people here rarely go to them. I know people who seem to never to go, not to kever Rachel, not to Hebron. Years go by, and they never go. Part of the reason is those places are hard to get to, and dangerous.  Visitors to Israel see those places more than the residents do.  And Chutz has those too, especially Eastern Europe. 

I won't say the state has been good in giving Jewish refugees a safe haven, because Israel isn't safe, and because the Zionists closed off entry into Western countries that were taking them in. As for Ethiopians, they weren't halachically Jewish. Obviously converts are. One million Russian goyim are not.

The state also took a quarter of a trillion dollars from America and directed it to itself. Could have gone to Jewish causes. 

It's not an entirely terrible society but it's a big step down for Americans, British, French, Australians, etc. So don't move here. 

Modern Orthodoxy in Israel

Modern Orthodoxy in Israel is nothing of what you remember it to be in America. In America, Zionism, aliyah, and Israeli politics are ubiquitous but it's all sort of intellectual. It's books and lectures. We debate the topic, with a Zionist slant to be sure, but it's like a college class.

What's much more real are careers, shul - particularly issues involving women, and schooling issues. You go to shul and meet professors, lawyers, accountants, doctors, maybe even an engineer if he is over 50.

In Israel, it's all about land, Arabs, and guns. It's like living on a military base. And the talk is so different than in America. I wouldn't even call it talk, it's barking. I don't know why Hebrew, a semitic language, would sound harsher than English, a Germanic language, but it sure does. Maybe it's the aggressiveness and anger of the typical Israeli that makes is so.

People don't appear to converse here. Now, it's not so wonderful in Jewish New York. It's hard to finish a sentence in either place. But this is several levels worse.

Do they have a right to be so angry? I really don't think so. But I won't get into all that right now, won't get into how Israelis create most of their own problems. I deal with that in other posts.

The important thing for this post is just how different social life is here. Living in America, you hear all the hot debate and intellectualism and think that you'll get even more in Israel. You get less, way less. Every time I hear of an Israel intellectual or academic (and they have a few of them) I'm sort of surprised because the average person seems to be completely incapable of objective or even rational thought or to have any interest in books or facts or different perspectives.

This is true of the religious and chiloni. I worked for a year at a company full of secular Israelis. There was one guy there with whom it was possible to conduct an intelligent conversation on Israeli politics and another with whom it was possible to discuss other topics. The rest were maniacs. As for the religious ones, we have a global problem of group think and emotionalism with religious Jews today. Maybe it's a bit worse in Israel, particularly when it comes to Israeli politics.

Yes, I'm talking about Jews. Shocking no? And even the American Jews either become that way after a time or arrived that way, being of a certain type that probably didn't fit so well in America.

Israel isn't more of anything. It's totally different. All prospective olim have to understand this before uprooting their lives.