Advice for BTs

Tips for Baalei Teshuvah and Converts

1) The goal is God. Connect to Him, serve Him, love, fear -- there are many ways to describe it. We don't usually do it directly. He doesn't shake your hand. We do it through Torah, mitzvos, tefillah, chesed - through Jewish life. There are many ways to do it, many derachim. Find the one that works for you. The one may consist of numerous derachim patched together. It may contain your own innovations. You’ll meet people who seem happily Litivsh, Mizrachi, or Bobov et. al., but they were likely raised that way. You don’t have to jam yourself into a derech. As you connect to Hashem you'll feel that something positive is happening. Sometimes that involves feeling protected and loved, sometimes it involves seeing things to work on within yourself. It doesn't mean that you feel like you are flying, but it's generally positive. If you find yourself around people that are taking you away from God, get away from them. 

2) Hold on to your brain. Changing over your life, you become vulnerable. And you'll meet many people who overwhelm you. Jews have a tendency to dominate. Don't lose yourself. Your mind, instincts, and basic dignity should be protected. When you know nothing about a topic, you tend to get impressed by people who know anything. That means any Frum from birth (FFB) person. But in time you'll see that many FFBs actually know very little, are very narrow, are full of cliches. Even if they know something, they know nothing about baalei tesvhuah or converts and their needs. This includes many so-called rabbis. When you surrender your brain, you have entered a cult. Yes, mentors can be helpful in life, but you need to think for yourself, trust your instincts. 

3) Look after your basic human needs. You need to have a parnassah in a field you enjoy, you need to marry a spouse you like, you need to live in a place that you feel positive about. Don't surrender all that to "Torah." You don't have to live in poverty and boredom. Protect your basic human dignity. Believe it or not, there are people who will try to take that away from you. Walking around terrified and neurotic is not dignified. Feeling horrible about yourself is not helpful either.

4) Ignore all the internecine fighting. Most of that is male ego, each guy thinking his team is the best team. All the derachim have merits. Even Open Orthodoxy has its merits. So do Satmar, Chabad. They all have merits. The yeshiva world in particular has made a lifestyle of mocking and condemning all the other groups and they have this way of sounding noble about it. But such mockering isn't noble. It's lashon hara and ego. All the nitpicking and slamming are a distraction to you.

5) Don't leap. Step by step, slowly, slowly you proceed. Grow a little, absorb it, grow some more. It is very dangerous to leap. Throwing away all your interests is very dangerous. You like golf, wonderful. The immodest materials should go, but the golf clubs can stay. Actually, Rabbi Avigdor Miller was asked by a guy what to do with his dirty magazine. R' Miller said, I can tell by the way you are asking that you have many. Start by getting rid of one of them, he said. Slowly, slowly. 

6) You don't need to go to yeshiva. Some people get ruined in yeshiva. None of them really are built for baalei teshuvah. Mostly they are just yeshivas, staffed by people who are looking for a parnassah who don't know anything but Gemara study. They enjoyed an entire childhood of gradual introduction to Torah and mitzvos. As adults, they came to focus on Gemara lomdus, and that that’s where they start you. It's very selfish really, or ignorant at best. They don't go to teacher's colleges for BTs. Hardly any yeshivas are designed for BTs. I don't recommend any place wholeheartedly, but a few can be helpful. Find a place that has classes in Hebrew language, mitzvos, basic halacha, history, basic principles like emunah, and Tanach. Find a place that gives meaningful answers to the many questions you will have. If questions are disdained or treated flippantly or rudely, run. For men, some Mishnah and Gemara are important too. Women can study these subjects if they want. But it should come with an introduction, some background on the Talmud, some history, some discussion of its style which is very different from what you find the textbook that you are used to. You can’t just open up to page 2 and begin.

7)  You don't need to go to Israel. Torah can be kept anywhere, at least anywhere there's a Chabad house, better still if there's a larger shul and a school.  You don't need to even visit Israel. Some benefit from it, some really get hurt by it. It's hard to even say the word Israel without the brain just summonsing up propaganda. The place has its merits and its problems. It's not a dream land. It won't solve all your problems. It's not coming home to family. It’s hard to earn a living there. And most likely, it's a very different culture from what you are used to. Make sure you can deal with it before you trudge on out there. 

8) Don't base your life on a rav. You lead your own life. If you can even find a rabbi that is actually helpful, that has more than 4 seconds for you, he shouldn't replace your own brain. People today really exaggerate about this idea of having a rav. Sure, like anything, it helps to have a mentor. In Chabad they call it a mashpia, an influencer, a mentor. I think that's a healthier approach. In the yeshiva world, they use the term rav and mean by that oftentimes a master to a slave. It's generally a pretty scary thing to watch in my opinion. But many people on their own are pretty lost and do need inspiration and guidance. Lots of that you can get from books and recordings. We all need help in life and some rabbis can be helpful. But there are limits to all that. Some are very harmful. Few understand BTs and even less understand converts. Again, it's complicated. 

9) Declutter. All human beings have unhealthy attitudes and habits. For the BT, there are all kinds of 'goyish', if I can call it that, mindsets to get away from. Many of the goyish mindsets are really secular Jewish ones. Those can be the worst. Worship of college, feminism, career worship, excessive frivolity, materialism, secular Zionism, trying to change the world, whining - there are all things one should try to transcend. Use the garbage can, meaning declutter. Throw away the foolish attitudes. It takes time. But God will help you. Side note, FFBs have their own foolishness.

10) Don't throw away everything you enjoy but get headphones. You don't have to throw all your CDs in the garbage, but don't play them out loud in the house either. Get headphones. This applies to many things. You like baseball? So go to a game. Go play baseball. You don’t necessarily have to bring your kids. Let your kids be FFBs. You be a BT. They don't have to hear about every secular thing you have ever been a part of. Some of it has merit, but still, your kids are better off not hearing about most of it. It gets too confusing, and they may not be as able to separate the good from the bad. However, don’t be a tyrant. Don’t be terrified of anything secular coming into the house. You can’t stop it all.

11) Don't put off marriage but don't rush into one.  Torah study is not more important than marriage. The first mitzvah in the Torah is 'be fruitful and multiply', which means marriage. Don't push it off. The best ones get taken, you age, you lose your looks and fertility. You become set in your ways. Younger is better. However, don't rush into a marriage. Take whatever time is needed. Six months maybe. Sometimes a year. BTs go through many changes and are pressured to put on an act, so you need more time to sort things out. You don't need to be perfectly certain about wanting to marry the other person, but you should get to know him or her. That means, stay out of restaurants. You can't get to know anyone at a restaurant. Be in different settings. Have a normal relationship. That means ladies, do some of the work! Make a picnic for him. If you put everything on the guy, then you will not have a normal relationship. Dating doesn't mean that you do a paranoid investigation, it means "getting to know you, getting to learn all about you." Don't look for perfection. You are not perfect either. Enjoy the person in all their complexity. And remember that the person in front of you was put there by Hashem, so don't condescend, don't disdain this opportunity.

12) Value all the mitzvos. Many in the yeshiva world will have you believe that only one mitzvah matters, ie. Gemara lomdus. There are 613 mitzvos and all of them are very important. All of them envelope you like a warm coat in the winter. What? Talmud Torah c’neged culam they keep telling you. What does that even mean? C’neged doesn’t mean greater. It doesn’t even mean equal. The Talmud says also that tzedukah is c’neged culam. Bris milah is c’neged culam. Chazal say the same about Shabbos, tzitzis, Eretz Yisroel, and lashon hara. So it’s not so simple. Shlomo HaMelech said the sum of the matter is to fear/be in awe of Hashem and to keep the commandments. That’s a good rule of thumb.

13) Study the subject of cults. The line in the frum world is that sure there are cults in the world, but we don't have that. Well, we do have that, in varying forms. Be able to spot traits of cults - deceptive recruiting, isolation, personality breakdown, brain washing/propaganda, us vs them mentality, thought stopping, phobia inducement, idolization of self-appointed leaders, control of one's live, devaluation of your mind. Be careful out there. People don't join cults willingly. They get fooled. Really smart people can get fooled. Torah observant Judaism in its pure form is not, in my opinion, a cult. But frum life today can be very cultish. 

14) Take pride in your accomplishment. You have done something amazing, something only a small percentage of Jews do. If you are a convert, even better. You'll be treated as something of a second-class citizen in the OJ world, sometimes less than that. But ignore that. You are a prince or princess.  

15) Consider the following resources. Your handlers may never mention any of the following to you even once, but these are good resources for BTs. Rav Aryeh Kaplan, Chabad, Rav Avigdor Miller, Rav Samson Rafael Hirsch, Rav Yosef Soloveitchik, Yeshiva University’s www.yutorah.org, Professor Marc Shapiro, Web Yeshiva, Torah In Motion.

16) Don’t Let Them Get the Best of You. The OJ world has some nice people and some not-so-nice people. Many BTs are alarmed by the ubiquitous abrasive personalities that they encounter. Just ignore them and move on. Don’t let them turn you off. Develop a thick skin. Judaism is your heritage. Don’t let anyone take it away from you.

17) Money is required. Raising a frum family is expensive. You need six figures to get by. Try to get a good parnassah and don’t be one of these people who floats about in your idealism, flying off to Eretz Yisroel every 3 months, lingering in yeshiva forever, or wasting your money on restaurants. Ladies, that means you too. Save your pennies. Don’t live luxuriously assuming some rich man will save you.

18) The world you come from is not empty. The world you come from is not all ‘narishkite.’ You learned many useful things there, and you may continue to. Don’t erase your brain or your experience. Utilize it. Moshe learned important ideas about leadership in the house of Pharaoh.   

19) Women are not better than men. They are not more spiritual. All of that talk is really disguised chauvinism. It’s silly. It’s false. I can show you dozens of Torah sources that back my statement. Men and women are different. They have different roles. The women are better talk leads to shalom bayis problems.

20) Don’t be bitter. Find solutions. This is true in all of life and here too. If you can’t deal with conventional roles, carve out something different. As the Queen used to say, “don’t complain, don’t explain.” Just do your thing. Maybe keep it private. You don’t have to broadcast your strategies to the world.