To sum it up

You hadn't been keeping mitzvos. Now you keep them. That's the main thing. That, and trying to do it with your dignity and sanity in place. All the hype, and ambition, and fanaticism only ruins it. Don't worry about being a talmid chochom, or a kollel guy, or living in Israel, or even being a tzadick. You don't even know what all that means so how can you insist on it? That's all irrelevant. You keep mitzvos now. That's it. Everything else is whatever. Mostly jive talk. To keep your sanity, you have to stay away from people because most of the frum world is crazy, especially the rabbis. They are mostly nutjobs and megalomaniacs. Keep your brain and try to manage a peaceful life, with a normal spouse. Don't rush into marriage. Wait for a good pitch. Take your time with dating. Date the person for a damn year if you need to. Never, ever, ever marry in less than 5 months. And if there are red flags, end it or take a break until you get your mental clarity back. Make sure you are comfortable. And men, you are not a beast a burden. If the fucking woman can't get on board and contribute to the dating you don't want her. It's not worth it to marry one of these childish selfish assholes. Wait for a good pitch. Get yourself a home. And proceed from there. Every day you will meet another kook who tries to ruin you with his extremism. It's the greatest danger of being Jewish, all the arrogant douchebags who think they know it all, who try to take over your brain. Stay away from those people and just do your thing. They don't know any better than you. Most of them have never seen anything about life and what they have seen is warped by their looney minds. Don't go near those people. You can survive. You don't have to love Eretz Yisroel or Klal Yisrael. Both are pretty damn hard to love. Pains in the assess. And the state of israel you can't love at all. It's disgusting. So forget all that. Yeshiva is a bad idea in most cases. More crazy rabbis to take you out of reality. Just buy a few books. It's good enough. You try that's all, in a normal healthy way. Good things will come. Don't try to be rich. Don't try to be a leader and a bigshot. Just be normal and happy and private. Happiness is very important. You will not last as a Jew if you are unhappy. So live somewhere that you like with someone you like and keep your hobbies and try to be happy. 

Dangerous for a person to lower himself more than necessary

from Bitachon Weekly:

Chazal say since Yaakov lowered himself before Eisav, calling him Adoni my master eight times, therefore Hashem granted Eisav eight kings before Yaakov had any kings. Reb Yerucham Levovitz points out that from this we see how dangerous it is for a person to lower himself more than necessary; as it can turn around the entire world history. The Ramban says, during the second Bais Hamikdash we caused our own downfall into the hands of Edom by being Mach’nia ourselves to them. This was a result of the Jewish kings making a Bris pact with the Romans, and some even going to Rome which was lowering themselves to Edom. Because they put their trust [Bitachon] in the Romans, Hashem let them fall into their hands. The whole long Galus we are in, came as a result of our lowering ourselves into the Romans hands, as the Passuk says צַדִּיק מָט לִּפְנֵי רָשָע משלי כה כו  a tzaddik lowers himself to fall before a rasha, and Chazal say if a person flatters a rasha, he will end up falling into his hands. Now we can understand how important your self-esteem is for your well-being. It can change your entire destiny. How imperative it is for a person to have a high opinion of himself [and of others]. 

בראשית רבה ]עה יא[ באותה שעה שקרא יעקב לעשו אדוני, אמר לו הקב"ה אתה השפלת עצמך וקראת לעשו אדוני ח' פעמים , חייך אני מעמיד מבניו שמנה מלכים קודם לבניך, שנאמר ]וישלח לו לא[ וְאֵ לֶה הַמְ לָּכִּ ים אֲשֶ ר מָּ לְכּו וגו'. 4 ספר דעת תורה ]לימודי מוסרי התורה מאת רבינו הגאון רבי ירוחם הלוי ליוואוויץ זצ"ל אשר לימד לרבים בישיבה הקדושה דמיר, פרשת וישלח, עמ' רא[ 

First completely forget the past

“And it came to pass, when her soul departed for she died that she named him Ben Oni, but his father called him Binyomin” (35:18) Rochel called her son Ben Oni (“The son of my pain”). Her objective was to commemorate for all eternity that her son had survived a birth during which she was to die, thereby praising Hashem for the miracle of his survival. However, even though her intention was to focus on the positive aspect of her personal tragedy, Yaakov nevertheless felt that it would not be appropriate for his son to bear a name that would serve as a reminder of Rochel’s death, and, to this day, he is known as Binyomin, meaning Ben Yamin, “the son of right”, signifying goodness, physical and moral strength, success and chesed (see Ramban and Alshich). Yaakov wanted his son’s name to serve as an impetus for keeping Torah and mitzvos joyfully with gevuro without any hint of Rochel’s death.

When tragedy occurs, ideally we should be on the level where we realize that, in the divine plan, even seeming tragedies are no less aspects of Hashem’s chesed than any other event. Sometimes this becomes apparent very quickly, sometimes after a long time, and sometimes it will only be understood when moshiach comes. Nevertheless, Yaakov’s intervention (the only time he took an active part in the naming of one of his children) teaches us that the correct approach when tragedy strikes rachmono liztlon, is not to look back at all but only forward with optimism and faith in Hashem’s absolute goodness and to endeavor to continue to serve Hashem with happiness. The name of Binyomin Hatzaddik reminds us that with gevuro (spiritual fortitude) we are capable of overcoming tragedy.

Similarly, a baal teshuva must first completely forget his past, and think only about the future and building up a Jewish home full of Torah and mitzvos, because thinking about past misdemeanors would make it very difficult for him to live joyfully in the present. Part of the mitzvah of teshuva consists in forgetting about the past and living exclusively in the present. Only subsequently, once he has become totally accustomed (or re-accustomed) to living a Torah lifestyle, should he contemplate gradually atoning for past transgressions.

Rav Moshe Sternbuch

Biggest of the challenges

Biggest of the challenges

There are many challenges in becoming Torah observant. The general life changeover is challenging, changes in diet, in clothing, in daily routine, in social associations. Losing friends is very difficult. I'll never get over that. Saying goodbye to 98% of the human race isn't easy, this idea that everything is for klal Yisroel. That's a big pill to swallow for people raised under secular humanism. Limitations in where one can live take getting used to. The style of the literature takes a while to adapt to, abrupt changes in narrative, intentionally non-parallel word order, lessons learned from extra letters - all that stuff, plus that it's all written in a foreign language. The subject matter is challenging, particularly the parts about genocide and slavery and capital punishment for lighting a match on the wrong day. And that's just the Chumash. The Gemara is another ball of wax altogether. And then there's a myriad of halachos: kashrus, chometz, lashon hara, shatnez, perfect honesty in business, taharas hamishpacha, shmiras einayim. And there's the enormous financial burdens. And then there’s feeling like a second-class citizen. And this is the short list. There's so much more.

Just as difficult as all of that, as difficult as it has been, is the sexual frustration, at least for men. Women may not be able to relate. For the men, it's a kind of gehennom. Given how we grew up, to go completely cold turkey, you can lose your mind. For many, this goes on for years. For some it continues in marriage. So if you want to get some grasp on what men go through in that area, consider how hard all the other stuff is put together. Pretty difficult, no? Put it all together. That’s what the sexual stuff is like for the men.

But believe it or not even harder than that is getting used to the negative aspects of the contemporary Jewish personality. By that I mean headstrong, opinionated, stubborn, angry. Few people respect other people's thoughts. In conversation, you can't get in a word. If you try, it's a battle for air time. It's brutal. Your own brain gets stuffed with competing dogmas and you can't think. You feel you are not allowed to think. You are told you are not allowed to think. This makes all the aforementioned stuff 5x harder. Because when you don't think, you can't solve problems, you can't adapt intelligently to the new way of living and seeing life.

There are many challenges in joining the Jewish people. The biggest of the challenges are the Jews themselves. And I’m not a ger. I have Jewish family. And they are quite difficult. But I wasn’t surrounded by that kind of person and authority figures weren’t necessarily that way.

This message isn't intended to scare anyone away. The solution is to get busy thinking and to avoid overbearing people. At least don't take them seriously. Yes, you are allowed to think. You are required to think. The concept of having a rav has become comically exaggerated. It never meant turning off your brain. It means getting some assistance in your thinking, with major decisions. In many respects, we all have to be our own rav. You have to lead your life with intelligence. That means thinking. With that, and God's help, you can get through all the other stuff and arrive at a beautiful destination, one that makes it all worthwhile. 

Teaching a beginner

"One can't begin by teaching a beginner 613 laws or encouraging him to commit to several new practices all at once. Rather encourage him to take on a single good deed.  Ensure that he knows this is one of many good deeds about which he will learn at a later stage. Right now, however, focus on this one good deed. And then we have God's promise that when he will do that deed, it will have tremendous success. Rabbi Saadya Gaon taught, repeated by the Baal Shem Tov, quoted many times in Chasidic teachings, "When you grasp a part of the essence, or a small amount of it, you grasp the entire thing." By encouraging a Jew to observe one of the 613 commandments, it is in fact "a part of the essence." So ultimately it influences that Jew, such that he becomes connected with the essence. Or as the Mishnah puts it, one mitzvah leads to another and the Jew continues to increase in the light of Torah and mitzvos. Moreover, ultimately, this Jew himself teaches others, bringing other Jews to Judaism. He "expels nations" and implants the Jewish vine after banishing non-Jewishness from his own portion of the world. And when many Jews join together, each one transforms the materialism of his own portion of the world and "You implant it." This becomes God's plant. His handiwork in which He takes pride." We go to greet the true and complete redemption when all mankind "will serve God with one purpose." the entire world will be affected to serve God by performing their commandments. And the Jewish people radiate to the nations an eternal light through holding the light of Torah and the candle of mitzvos."

7th Lubavitcher Rebbe, JEM, New World, Old Song, 840

Steve Hassen

Steve Hassen is a Jewish guy who was drawn into the Moonie cult. Then he got out. It's an incredible story. Now helps people to get out of cults. Here's one of his videos: 

Steven Hassan's talk on Helping Individuals Born in High-Demand Groups and Cults

Some notes

Hassan: on mind control – tune in to your own inner voice or conscience, something legitimate will stand up to scrutiny. Don’t be manipulated through guilt or fear. Cults rely on deception, manipulation, and fear. Locus of control should be inside of you, not somebody else. Cults see life as black and white, inside is truth outside is the devil. It’s all about dependency and obedience. Religious organizations frame it as you have to obey God, but you are in a human institution whose leaders say they represent God. High lie rate is characteristic of gurus. They perform spiritual abuse – rape of the soul. You should be in control of your own mind. The way for you to recover from destructive mind control is for you to be in control of your own mind. It sounds simple but it takes a lot of energy and effort and knowledge for you to reclaim your personal power. People born into cults may see themselves as never having had a self to reclaim. However, people are born with an authentic self. It’s in the DNA. Who am I? Well who do you want to be? Any TV shows you have liked, artists, books, math? Explore. What resonates with you? Takes time.

 

 

Everything but the most important thing

I heard a comment from a formerly frum woman that the most troublesome part of Orthodox Judaism for her was tefillah. She said that she watched in jealousy and confusion as the other girls wept into their siddurim.

 The comment doesn’t surprise me. It has been my observation that parents and schools generally fail to teach children about Hashem, about G-d. And what is tefillah if not talking to Hashem? If you have no sense of who you are talking to, there’s not much point in talking.

 While Chumash and Gemara are designed to connect us to Hashem, they don’t necessarily readily talk about Him. In my observation, most of Chumash discusses klal Yisroel -- first the Avos and Imahos and later their descendants -- the incidents in their lives, and mitzvos. 

 What about G-d? He makes appearances but not necessarily flattering ones at first blush. He comes across as punishing. Always punishing. Angry. And Klal Yisrael seems to be failing all the time. They don’t come across in a flattering way either.

 Yet, the Avos come across well. So what happened to the kids?

 And, if you read Tehillim, you hear about G-d’s compassion and love. You hear about His incredible abilities, His power, His creativity, His wisdom. It’s confusing. Are we good or bad? Is G-d kindly or mean?

 Well actually, many of the best questions from the Torah start exactly this way - reconciliation between ideas that seem to conflict. And so it goes, that the Chumash can be read in the spirit of Tehillim, should be read this way. And that’s where teachers come in. They have to explain, as Rabbi Avigdor Miller did, that the generation of the desert was the greatest of all societies. Their sins are magnified. If one person sins a little, the Chumash will say, “You are a faithless people.” It’s like a football coach calling his players old ladies. Of course, they are not old ladies. They are athletes and very tough ones. The coach is trying to motivate them. That’s what G-d is doing. He is loving and caring, just like it says in Tehillim.

 The Chumash is the word of G-d. And G-d is humble, so He doesn’t talk all about Himself. He doesn’t brag. He is like a parent who talks about his kids. He is so proud of his kids, so concerned with his kids. Dovid the King and a few others wrote Tehillim. So there, the topic is Hashem. He talks about us and we talk about Him.

 All of this needs to be explained. There are many basics of Judaism that need repeated explanation. In my experience, this rarely happens. Most people are caught up in the details and don’t know how to give the big picture. I wonder if many of them even possess the big picture. I suspect that many are frum because they were raised that way. It’s like an American playing softball in the park and eating hotdogs. It’s how he grew up.

 Arguably, people today are very weak in faith. This could explain why so many really are just not nice people. I’m sorry to say it. As it says in shir ha-shirim, the bride has a blackened face. And people who are not nice are not people from whom you want to learn Torah. What some do is read the Chumash straight, without the explanation, relishing in the harshness of it. They beat you up with portrayals of G-d’s harshness. They enjoy terrifying you. But their task was to do the opposite, it was to fill you with feelings of warm faith. That’s the difference between a reader and a teacher. The former just reads the book to you -- which is what goes on in many shiurim -- and the latter explains.

 The Gemara originally was only oral. Part of the reason for that was to foster a connection with teachers who explained. The Gemara certainly needs explanation and in that way is still oral. It speaks in an abbreviated way. Like the Chumash it mentions Hashem but explanation is quite necessary. Few teachers can explain the aggadata. And that’s tragic because the halachic portions connect us to Hashem but that only works if you know there is an Hashem. And knowing doesn’t just mean in a general sense. You get the idea, sort of. It means full intellectual understanding such that you can talk about it for hours. It means feeling, conscious feeling. It means actions that are built on these thoughts and feelings. It takes years if you work hard at it. Otherwise, it takes eternity. But we don’t have eternity for this task. We have 120 years maximum.

 In my view, the schools succeed at many things but perhaps not in the most important thing which is teaching emunah and bitachon, teaching about Hashem Himself. With schools for BTs, this is most tragic because BTs will not stay frum out of the habit of youth, which is how most FFBs do it. BTs need to be taught the basics, which is different than being taught how to be a scholar, which is what the schools try to do.