Instincts and the Yeshiva world

Instincts are not merely a factor in life, something to consider occasionally. They are a fundamental tool for good decision-making. Along with hashgacha pratis, instincts are a channel through which the Divine speaks to you. And it happens every day, every hour. 

One difference between these two is that hashgacha pratis is driven entirely by the Divine, and instincts can emerge from your own soul, which is connected to the Divine. That makes hashgacha pratis more reliable. However, you must interpret it, where inner voices are often heard via thoughts which are carried with words. Less interpretation is required. In that way, instincts are more reliable. Whichever is speaking to you, don't ignore it.

If your inner voice tells you to violate halacha, then don't listen. Halacha is also Divine, and it will not deceive you whereas your own voice can. I'm now about essential halacha, not chumrah and not "the way it's done around here."

The same applies to general principles of Judaism. However, we don't always know what they are. Each community reshapes vague teachings in its own image. For example, the yeshiva world takes "make for yourself a rav," as obey without question the guy who runs your yeshiva even after a 2 second exchange. "Mevatel your daas" they say. Sorry, but I don't see the first and last words there in the Mishnah. 

And so we have a problem. Instincts are essential, but the yeshiva world tells you to silence them. When I'm around yeshiva people, the main message I get is that we must be robots, we must silence our feelings and opinions except when we are parroting rabbis in which case we shout at the top of our lungs.

Along with that comes the constant refrain that the yeshiva world has the truth. Everybody must become yeshivish. Yet, that will probably not work for you if you are creative, sensitive, compassionate, or spiritual. 

Where this leads us in effect is to the conclusion that we must avoid conversing with yeshiva people. But it's no better to converse with Modern Orthodox because their heads are full of confusion, materialism which includes Zionism, and imitation of negative gentile practices. The Modern Orthodox have a way of not imitating the good practices of gentiles and engaging only in the bad ones. 

So what about Chassidim? I wouldn't converse with them either, although I do find their company, ie, sitting on the bus with them, more pleasant.

I suggest that you find a good friend and whatever other sources of intelligent stimulus you can find. A book, a blog, a talk program (pod case). 

Your brain is a delicate instrument. Just as you can move a shochet's knife on Shabbos to protect it, you must protect your brain. "Above all, guard your mind." That includes your instincts. Don't shut them down. Don't buy into nonsense, hatred, condoning of mass murder (you know what I'm alluding to). If the common explanation for an aggadata doesn’t make sense to you, you don’t have to give in. Demand proof. If you still don’t get it, don’t worry about it. They might be wrong.