More from Styx

"Tell me, tell me where I'm going. I don't know where I've been."

Tommy Shaw

It can feel that way in the frum world, for a BT. You cannot even fathom what you have been through and it's hard to know what's next when you don't know where you have been. 

Well, I suggest that you figure it out. And you'll do that mostly on your own. If you go to the people who scammed you, then you are likely to get scammed all over again. 

I will offer one caveat. If you start to doubt either G-d or the Torah in general, you are on the wrong track. What's happening then is that the people who misrepresented the Torah to you are still running your life. But if you stay with the Torah but do it in a new way, then you are winning. 

Happens to walruses

  If you are bothered by the ritual of throwing the goat off the mountain before YK (it bothers me), it seems this sort of thing happens in nature.

The recovery from bris milah used to bother me until I witnessed teething. 

Noach Weinberg

I didn't know much about him, only that to the Aish HaTorah people he is a hero. To the Machon Shlomo people of those who do kiruv the wrong way (that's everyone to them), he's the wrongest (even though they actually are the wrongest). To the yeshiva world he did make many baalei teshuvah but ....

I met him once 40 years ago, in his office, as part of a group.

So I'm reading Rosenblum's bio on him and am finding myself liking the man more and more. He had a reasonable approach. He didn't try to turn you into a kollel guy (I have heard that the women's school Eyat as run by his wife did push the kollel life hardcore). He advocated general association with the yeshivas but discouraged full integration with the yeshiva world particularly if it was done uncritically. He started you with hashkafa, mitzvos, and halacha rather than Talmudic pilpul, and that's good because that's what BTs need most.

The hashkafa concerned largely the basics of why we do this thing called Judaism, and it didn't come from being hunched over a text whose language you couldn't decipher. For beginners, that kind of studying is mostly an exercise in translation about which little content is remembered and little ground covered. (Sometimes, when I hear the term Torah study, my back starts to hurt because of my associations with all the hunched over sitting.) Besides that, which classic text discusses the matter in a way that is appropriate for late 20h century Westerners?

Rather, he created his own lecture series, one that contained some wisdom that helps one to approach some of the difficult topics of Judaism and lead a full life, not just one of obedience and robotic behavior. The New York accent is a bit irritating for me and the manner of expression a bit strong (he is a NY yeshiva guy after all) but maybe that's helpful to some in the end because overcoming atheistic and anti-religious biases (and habit) requires a little shove to help the wisdom along.

Yes, he can be overbearing and shaming like any NY yeshiva guy, but not nearly as bad as most. If a person says she doesn't see what's holy about Eretz Yisroel he says, do you even know what holiness is? (I don't know if he said this to anyone. He wrote it as a dialogue in one of his 48 ways articles - if indeed he wrote those as they might be a transcription) To that I say, yes, she does have some sense of it. Isn't that in all of us? So the answer is a cult trick of making a person doubt his own mind. Not Weinberg at his best. But his program in general was much better than that of Ohr Som. and the like, MS in particular, where halacha and machshava and Hebrew are totally ignored.

It seems to me that the general approach of the yeshivish kiruv folks is to say, our salesmen got you here and it doesn't matter how because it's for the cause. Alternatively, zchus avos got you here. You are merely the beneficiary. Now you're under the yoke of Torah and we are its representatives. You will obey or you will go to hell and we will yell at you as you go there. But don't worry because the thrill of a svara in the Tosfos will make it all worthwhile. We live for that.

Actually, not one of those guys would ever change over his life from frei to frum just because of Tosfos. They are all just living off of childhood conditioning and the culture into which their lives are interwoven. The Tosfos is a cherry on top. So it's no wonder that they so often fail in kiriv, which is to say that they don't really do kiruv, they just teach Talmud in an inappropriate way to people who are already Shomer Shabbos but not necessarily solidly so.

Rabbi Weinberg was pushed out of Ohr Somayach (originally Shema Yisrael) the yeshiva he founded by the two partners who changed the name to Ohr Somayach to make it more yeshivish. And that's also why they pushed him out too. They wanted a standard yeshiva that was based on pilpul. They pushed him out even though he started the place. Rav Hutner had advised him not to take any partners.

Machon Shlomo shamefully criticized Aish and Reb Noach for avoiding the text. At MS that word is used obsessively. Ironically, MS doesn't have a library and doesn't even use any texts other than the Chumash and a few pages of Gemara. But the Chumash is read to the students, which doesn't give them much experience with the text. And Hebrew isn't taught, so how can one approach the text at all if it's written in Hebrew? In other words, MS is a nuthouse that distracted you from its nuttiness by making false claims against Aish, which seems to me to have had a much healthier approach to kiruv than perhaps any other place.

Reb Noach acknowledged that the OJ world was crazy, just less crazy (in the important matters I suppose) than the general world. It was crazy in its criticism of him for not being yeshivish for that approach doesn't make sense in kiruv in most cases as I am explaining. But you know how it goes. Most of the good guys get condemned (the Rebbe, the Rav, etc.)

His lecture series the 48 ways contains good tips for living, including how to handle fear in Judaism. He can be confusing at times, perhaps in his attempt to do too much. But nobody is perfect. A better vocabulary would have been helpful. He makes the appearance of his ideas being formulaic ("#2", "The B of this is..." "The opposite of pain is what?") when the topics he covers are subtle and not conducive to formula. So you can hurt your head trying to approach it like a catechism. But if you just take out of it what good you can find, you will find some good.

He encouraged independent thought about one's own life. For example, what do you want out of it?  Can you imagine a rabbi at Ohr Somayach proposing that you think about what you want out of life? He'll tell you what to want, which is to be a talmid chocham of course.

Reb Noach didn't disparage all the world. I have heard that at the Aish yeshiva this does happen. Aish has changed. The outreach group has become nearly indistinguishable from Haddassah or Hillel and the yeshiva not much different from Ohr Somayach. However he didn't do it. He actually employs the phrase "career choice." Wow, a choice of career. When I was in yeshiva I didn't know that I was even allowed to choose to have any kind of career despite the fact that a six figure income is needed to be frum in chutz and $800,000 for an apartment in Israel.

Every group asks something unrealistic of its members. With Reb Noach perhaps it's too much pressure to engage in kiruv. I don't know how much pressure there was actually. Kiruv is a natural act for BTs, as they have travelled that road and they are the ones who know the non-frum people. I would say that doing some kiruv is a basic mitzvah of loving Hashem as well as a demonstration of gratitude to family. How can one not try to help them? It's not so hard to invite somebody for a Purim meal or to invite them to a class. So only if a kiruv career is demanded is there a problem. That's a bit much to ask of everyone. Encouragement to do some kiruv in some way that matches a person's abilities is not unreasonable. So if his talk about changing the world through kiruv was taken literally or out of context from his talk about living one's own life, that could be a problem.

Most people who work in kiruv or say they do don't belong there. Many are yeshiva guys who need a parnassah. More than a few are dangerously arrogant and destructive people. It seems to be that Rabbi Weinberg was meant for kiruv. He had enough Torah and secular education to come across as credible and to inspire. I believe that he cared too. It's not so easy for a guy from New York City to come across as caring, but he does, at least in this book, and in the videos I have seen, and in the one meeting that I had with him 40 years ago.

Post Script: One problem with this book is that it seems to portray Reb Noach as starting the teshuvah movement and it doesn't mention Chabad at all, not that I have found yet. So I did a little search and found that of course Reb Noach was connected to Chabad and as a young man met with the Rebbe. His brother Yaakov Weinberg, the RY of Ner Yisroel met with the Rebbe every week. You can read all about that in a fascinating article here:

The Rosh Yeshivah and the Shliach

Rabbinic counseling and the decision to move to Israel

Rabbinic counseling and the decision to move to Israel

 

For years I asked rabbis their opinion on whether or not I should move to Israel. I got two types of responses. The Modern Orthodox rabbis always said to go as if there were no factors in the decision. It could only be good. This reflects their childhood conditioning, their misunderstanding about the optional nature of the mitzvah of living in Israel, their ignorance about the place, and their refusal to listen to even Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik who advised most people not to move there. Yeshivish rabbis would only ask, “Can you earn a parnassah there?” That seemed to be the only issue that they knew of.

But there are so many more. “Do you speak Hebrew?” would be a good question. You cannot function in a society whose language you don’t speak. If you are above the age of forty, you aren’t likely to learn conversational Hebrew. Even after thirty it’s difficult. You will not be able to earn a decent parnassah if you don’t speak Hebrew, so the two questions go together. Many olim take essentially sweat shop level jobs, working American hours for minimum wage, sometimes at home on the Internet (in front of their children who get drawn into the Internet) because of their inability to speak Hebrew. The nerves wear thin when you can’t read leases, utility bills, or scary letters from the government, not to mention being unable to help children with their math homework or have a conversation with 90% of the people you meet.

Another question is, can you deal with Israelis? They are not easy to deal with. Go to Queens and spend some time around Israelis and determine if you can handle their aggressiveness, argumentativeness, and extreme views. You can’t move to Latvia if you don’t like being around Latvians.

Can you deal with militarism? There are soldiers everywhere. This can be an off-putting sight for a New Yorker or Californian. America has a big military, but it’s not part of daily life in Jewish parts of the country. In Israel, the military might close roads or declare a region off limits for the week, which causes cancellation of your child’s occasional school trip. Clocks show military time, and people are militaristic, i.e. bossy. Fighter jets fly overhead every day. The military is everywhere, and the news is full of articles about the army, war, and soldiers getting hurt.

Can you deal with religious extremism? In Israel, the Dati Leumi or Modern Orthodox are to the left of Teaneck, and the Haredim are of the no-secular studies, no blue shirts variety. If you are a middle of the road kind of person, you can feel very lonely here.

Are your kids above the age of 3? If they are, don’t go. It’s too late. The adjustment puts them at risk. Olim parents don’t have to sit in Israeli schools and deal with the bullying, not just of the other students but the teachers. Shouting is daily. The schools like everything are also militaristic. Children who don’t grow up with that, aren’t likely to be able to adjust to it. If your child is aidel (gentle), then all the more so, this is not the place for him or her.

Can you deal with the small size of the place? The country starts effectively in Beer Sheva. South of there is desert. It’s a two-hour drive to Haifa, another hour to Lebanon. That’s the length of the country. The width is one-hour. And even within that limited space are all the dangerous parts that you must avoid. You will find yourself going to the same places over and over again, particularly if you don’t have a car. Will that bore you? That’s a factor. News alert: happiness is a factor in life. Sad-faced religious parents don’t inspire children to pursue Orthodox Judaism.

Can you deal with the huge drop in standard of living? In Israel, housing is three times the price of most of America, and that’s for small apartments. For equivalent housing, it’s more like ten times the price. Cars are double the price as is gas. Yet, income is less than a third of what Jews typically earn. For olim it’s even less. Can you live in a small space, without a yard, without a car, taking the bus (waiting for the bus), with no vacations, etc?

Are you Yeshivish or Chassidish? Historically, your sons had two options, the military, which the gadolim told them to stay clear from, and learning Talmud all day and night to maintain their draft exemption. Would they be productive? You can destroy a boy by putting him a situation that’s not appropriate for him. Is your son a learner or should he be working? The Israeli government won’t let them work.

But even that difficult choice is moot now for, officially, there is no exemption anymore. The court nullified it. The government is coming after everybody, may HaShem save us from them. Can you handle that? Israelis are built out of steel wool, so the strain and worry doesn’t bother them as much. But if you are a nice law-abiding American, Canadian, or Englishman, the strain can kill you.

Do you have medical issues? The medical care in Israel is vastly inferior to that of the USA. (I can’t speak about Canada, England, or Belgium.) You can wait six months to see a surgeon here, four months for an MRI. Most procedures take place only in a hospital since they don’t have surgical centers, yet many large cities lack hospitals. With medical care in particular, after you move to Israel you realize how good you used to have it.

Do you have family and friends in chutz? Being a world apart geographically puts tremendous strain on people. Ah, you are thinking that moving to Israel is “going home,” yet you might find yourself deeply homesick for the people you care about or simply can relate to. You aren’t likely to replace them in Israel. You’ll be lucky to get a Shabbos invitation now and again, usually with an American.

Can you handle all of the fighting between groups, even religious groups? In chutz, there is strain, but there is plenty of intermingling and overlap. In Israel, each group pretends that the others don’t exist except when getting into fist fights with them.

These are some of the factors. There are many more. You want to say that this is all negative? There are positive aspects to the place that you have heard about in exaggerated fashion a thousand times. You don't need me to talk about them. If they don’t outweigh the negative ones for you, then you best stay where you are.

Know also that Rabbis Moshe Feinstein and Joseph Soloveitchik held that living in Israel is an optional mitzvah even according to the Ramban. It is not an obligation. Rabbi Soloveitchik explained that mitzvos are no better if done in Israel. Thus, the wearing of tefillin in Greenland, is just as effective as wearing them in Israel. So the question is, will you lose mitzvos by moving to Israel? Many people have less time for Torah study and less resources for chesed and find that their middos decline. Overall, they are less productive and happy. For some, this is not the case. It depends on the person. Rabbi Soloveitchik and the Lubavitcher Rebbe counseled people to live where they can do the most good. 

Rabbis need to know about all this in order to counsel people. Just as they need to know basic laws of kashrus, they need to know about specific issues in the huge decision of whether or not to move to Israel. It’s a decision that is difficult to reverse, so it must be made with extreme care and good counsel.

 

Toxic but it doesn't have to be

What a good relationship will do is every moment you're in you're enjoying that moment because something's not in the back of your mind stressing you out. Whereas a bad relationship or a toxic relationship it literally just kind of hijacks your mind, hijacks your emotions, and every single act that you're engaging in, in the back of your mind you have this sinking feeling. And some people have been in that toxic relationship for so long they don't even know that's abnormal. They just think that's part of their day to wake up with this anxious feeling. 

Sadia Kahn, YouTube, PU22EyVsdV8  

Judaism can become like this, just toxic. And as Bruce Springsteen sang, "You get used to anything. Pretty soon it just becomes your life." But it doesn't have to be like this. You have to take charge of your life, take it away from the people who are making you sick. 

Sad but true

Just received this. I did not seek it out. 

Who is the rudest celebrity you have met, and who would be the nicest?

In 1993, I flew through JFK airport in NYC.

It was the day the bomb blew up in the basement of the WTC.

Our flight was delayed, and I was waiting for boarding. A man and his Personal Assistant sat down next to me. I looked at his face, and it was the actor, Martin Balsam.

I had always liked his acting, and considered him to be talented and versatile. I looked at him, and said “Mr. Balsam, I’m a big fan.” Something along those lines.

He looked at me and replied, “No one gives a shit.”

So, I consider him to be the rudest.

On the other hand, while standing in line in the airport in Dover, Delaware waiting to board a late flight, I spoke to the woman in line directly behind me, and said “Do you think we’re ever going to get into the air?”

She chuckled and said, “Not to worry, we’re only three hours late.”

Then, the large man ahead of me in line, turned and said, “It’s not like any of us have any place to go.”

That man was Speaker of the House, Tip O’Neill. While we were waiting, the three of us had a pleasant conversation, and before we boarded, he even signed an autograph for me and the woman behind me. I still have mine. He was polite, humorous, and seemed like just another average guy. Definitely the nicest.

---------------------------

Martin Henry Balsam was born November 4, 1919, in the Bronx borough of New York City, to Russian Jewish parents, Lillian (née Weinstein) and Albert Balsam, who was a manufacturer of women's sportswear.

Is the problem that he's Jewish or from New York City?

O'Neill was the third of three children born to Thomas Phillip O'Neill and Rose Ann (née Tolan) O'Neill in the Irish middle-class area of North Cambridge, Massachusetts on December 9, 1912, known at the time as "Old Dublin."

narcissism is the opposite of judaism

we are supposed to be humble, not seeing ourselves as all knowing

we are not supposed to be attention seeking

attention is on G-d not us

supposed to be giving, creatures of chesed

not selfish

we are supposed to have self control, not prone to self-indulgence and losing ones temper

we are supposed to be full of gratitude, not groaning and complaining

a narcissist is a rasha

don't matter if he doesn't drive on shabbos

there were mafia killers who didn't drive on shabbos

Haym Soloveitchik

 "My father never wrote about secular education," which he says is unfortunate, because as he says the Modern Orthodox world lacks a stated ideology. Criticizing the Modern Orthodox world for this he said, "But if you don't feel it's an essential necessity for the shaping of your personality it's difficult to be passionate about it." 1:33:02 He said that the German Orthodox didn't know Torah, but they had a plan for being a Torah Jew.

His father joined the Agudah at the request of his friend Rabbi Elizer Silver, yet "He subsequently found that the Agudah is not an answer to anything. They were opposed. That's not a position."  1:28:17

"My father was a firm believer, and others try to change it, in secular education. There's no question about that. They may try to say my father didn't really believe in it. One professor in Yale, a chemist, asked me "What about his escapade in Berlin?" I said, "Sammy, Berlin was not an escapade. If you think it's an escapade, then you are as stupid in these matters as you are smart in matters of Chemistry." 1:26:48

"Haym Soloveitchik: How Modernity Changed Our Relationship to God," 18Forty

YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8G8JtPOEF0

He shall rule over you

The Torah says to the woman, your desire shall be unto him and he shall rule over you. In other words, obey your husband. I realize that sounds barbaric to those who have been indoctrinated by feminism, but does having six foot two male athletes in women's sports and women's locker rooms also sound barbaric because that's where feminism has got us.

If the posuk says to listen to the husband, then there's great meaning behind it. Some say you can't have two drivers. Some say the man is more logical and women more emotional. Some say it's a lesson in humility. All good. But there's something else. If Ha-Shem is going to invest that responsibility in the husband, then Ha-Shem is going to equip the husband with the abilities to carry out the responsibility successfully.

We see with great poskim that Ha-Shem gives them extra help. We see with great rabbis that Ha-Shem gives them special wisdom. I see this with Rabbi Miller, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rav Moshe Sternbuch and others, that they say things that show an unusual sensitivity and wisdom that seem supernatural. It is. Ha-Shem is helping them.

So too the husband, in a much smaller way, but enough to help the family. If you have a normal husband, not a raving nut, but a guy who does try to do the right thing, you must obey him when he insists upon it, because he's getting special assistance.

However, baalas teshuvah are taught that men are inferior. They are taught that women "are on a  higher plane." All that is false of course. There are no Torah sources that say that.  But that's what kiruv people will say to cajole the women to become Orthodox even though the religious life appears to contradict their feminist training. What does the rabbi care if he ruins home after home? He cares about scoring a few points, bringing a few people in, feeling like a bigshot, and getting paid for that. 

So it's up to you ladies, to become knowledgeable, to know that the kiruv rabbi misled you, and the posuk is helping you to do things the right way. And that means listening to your husband on big matters that he has researched and put thought into. Ha-Shem is guiding him.

pieces of advice

 I asked a friend for two pieces of advice he'd give new BTs. He said, 1) Be yourself. 2) Don't go to yeshiva. 

Good advice

Here's mine: 1) The goal is to connect to G-d via Torah and mitzvos. 2) As the Rebbe once told an Israeli politician about going to the UN (not that I fully agree with this assessment of the UN) Know that you are walking into a house of lies. By this I mean, watch out for con-artists. There's one under every rock in the OJ world. 

easy prey

...'s following is mainly ba’alei teshuva, newly religious Jews and those considering becoming religious, who tend to be largely ignorant and extremely dependent on charismatic authority figures — in other words, easy prey.

The manner in which this demographic is targeted, brainwashed, and often horribly abused by the Erev Rav and grifters who turned kiruv into an industry is a larger discussion. It’s also a big part of how they wage war on the Jewish people from within. An extremely high percentage of ba’alei teshuva abandon Torah observance within a few years, and are unlikely to ever come back, especially if they were badly burned and disillusioned. After all, they can say they sincerely tried the Judaism thing and it wasn’t for them.

So when “kiruv rabbis” like ... with a huge platform make outrageous statements, they are driving away thousands of Jews from Torah observance, and turning off many more whose anti-religious views will seem validated. One would expect brand-name rabbis to be extremely sensitive to their ability to drive away Jews wholesale, and how hard it is to bring any of them back — but they are oblivious, or just don’t care.

CHANANYA WEISSMAN

MAR 13

Be Careful with Seder Nashim

In my opinion, yeshivos for baalei teshuvah should refrain from studying Gemaras in Seder Nashim, at least not the parts that deal with sex. These young men were sexually active in some way or were drowned in salacious media before coming to yeshiva. Now, they are told to be completely celibate.  In many cases, the yeshiva staff hold them back from going out on shidduchim or make them poor candidates for shidduchim by indoctrinating them with the notion of never-ending full-time study and refusing to ever talk about earning a parnassah even though in most cases there’s a dearth of women in the older age groups who are interested in a man who can’t earn a parnassah. Even if the yeshiva staff encourage them appropriately, many baalei yeshiva encounter many difficulties in getting married. Then the schools have them studying Gemaras that discuss sex and halachic issues with virginity, intercourse, and even sexual positions.

The insensitivity of these married rabbis astonishes. I know a young man who told a mashgiach at a famous yeshiva that page thirteen of tractate Kesubos, which discusses whether an inserted piece of wood would end a woman’s virginity, was giving him sexual thoughts. The “mashgiach,” i.e. the spiritual supervisor who is supposed to know people barked at him, “That’s because you are not learning lishmah!” i.e. not studying with the right intentions. I know another young man who complained about a Gemara in tractate Kiddushin which discusses in graphic detail what degrees of sexual intercourse (I won’t elaborate) end virginity. The married with children rabbi who was conducting the class dismissed the complaint and showed no sympathy at all or willingness to skip the Gemara next time around. You start to wonder, are these people sadistic or just mindbogglingly self-absorbed? If nothing else, they are focusing on Torah study without regard for mitzvah observance.

Metzudot

Way back in the 18th century David Altschuler observed that study of Tanach was being neglected and so he wrote the Metzudot, a  commentary that covers all Neviim and Ketuvim except for Ruth, Lamentations, and Esther.

Make decisions carefully. Do your research

 The starting point for the topic here is regret over getting breast implants, which may seem like not a kosher topic, but it's not handled salaciously, quite to the contrary, it's quite gross. And we see how many people make the same mistake as other people, how little fair warning one gets about commonly made mistakes, how people you trust might not be trustworthy, and how smart people can do dumb things when they ignore intuition.

You know something about yourself nobody else does

Watch

In explaining his usage of the word destiny, legendary singer/song-writer Bob Dylan said, “It’s a feeling you have that you know something about yourself nobody else does.  The picture you have in your mind of what you’re about will come true. That’s a kind of a thing that you have to keep to your own self because it’s a fragile feeling, and you put it out there somebody will kill it. So, it’s best to keep that all inside.”  

The advice is the same for a BT

 I'm a 30-year-old man expecting a 20-year sentence in state prison for bank robbery. What should I expect in prison? What are some things I should avoid doing there?

I am truly sorry that you have to suffer this ordeal. But you can indeed survive prison and come out even stronger than you went in. I did. And although my bid was 4 years (served 3 1/2), the principles are the same.

I don’t know what prison you are going to, but I did spend 6 months in a State Prison with bank robbers, and people that committed many types of felony crimes. I have some experience to draw on.

You should expect to find most inmates you meet giving you leeway and respecting your boundaries, although there are many strange people in prison. Typically, as long as you respect others, you should be respected.

I would not be too outward focus at first. I’d stay within myself, but not aloof or arrogant, until you get the lay of the land and decide who you can trust (to a certain extent), who you can confide in (but I would recommend you not confide in anyone), and you can hang with.

I was in 5 prisons, including the Brooklyn Metropolitan Detention Center (not such a nice place), a Medium Security State Prison, (a bit rough from an inmate standpoint but the guards were for the most part decent, the food considerably above average and the medical care good). I was also in the Federal Oklahoma Transfer Center, and two Federal prisons in Miami. So I have a little bit of prison type background on which to base my recommendations.

Here is my list of advice. You can obviously take it or leave it:

1. Don’t be pushy, or arrogant, or try to be the toughest guy in the cell block. Believe me, you will always find someone tougher. The fastest gunslinger is just around the corner
2. Don’t snitch - period
3. Don’t share details about your case - have a brief story ready to tell, so it does not seem like you are unwilling to be forthcoming, but keep it brief
4. Don’t ask others about their case
5. Don’t join a gang
6. Don’t lie to inmates
7. Avoid asking for favors - you don’t want to be indebted to anyone
8. Don’t share with anyone how much money you have in your spending account
9. Don’t shop for anyone at the commissary - you want to give someone something? Go ahead. but don’t go shopping for anyone
10. Be careful with:
1. your mail - assume it will be opened by the guards - incoming and outgoing
2. your email - assume it will be read by the guards
3. your phone conversations - assume it will be listened to by the guards
4. Make sure other inmates aren’t listening or reading your stuff
11. Don’t take or borrow someone else’s stuff - EVER
12. Don’t physically touch people or get in their face. Give people space
13. Do not assume you can sit anywhere. Wherever you want. Inmates stake out favorite places to sit. If there are others sitting, ask first before taking a seat. That goes for the cafeteria, TV Room, game room and other places depending on prison or cell block. And never sit on someone’s bunk unless given permission.
14. Be open and willing to share to help someone out - for example, someone is out of coffee? Give them some. Chances are your kind gesture will be repaid in the future. At a minimum you will come across as someone who can be trusted and counted on to help out
15. Don’t let anyone take advantage of you. Short of fighting, don’t let some wise guy make you look weak
1. Having said that, don’t fight, unless it is absolutely the last resort to protect yourself. If you find yourself in this position, be ruthless and finish it.
16. Stay clean - hygiene is very important in prison - keep your body, sleep area, clothing, locker, in tip top shape. When your family or friends come to visit, be clean, clothes pressed, and smelling good
17. Do not have or keep anything that is considered contraband - unless you are ready to face the consequences - this means drugs, food you are not supposed to have, too many pieces of clothing, radios, tobacco, etc.
18. Respect the COs (guards) many of them are incredible assholes, but they have the power over you. Typically, if you respect them, don’t talk back, follow orders, and don’t make yourself to be a wiseass, they will leave you alone and at least be civil to you, and maybe even respect you. I earned a lot of respect from some absolutely miserable guards and counselors. SOme of them even referred to me as Mister
19. Take care of your mind, body and soul
1. read a lot - books, magazines, newspapers - find the prison library, ask your friends and family to send you books, magazines and newspapers, get some reading buddies and exchange books and magazines with them
2. take every course or class you can find - in prison, mail order, online if you are allowed - consider pursuing a GED or college degree. It is DOABLE
3. learn how to play a musical instrument
4. learn a craft - woodworking, leather work, ceramics, anything
5. work out - stay in shape - do some aerobic and strength training exercises - find good workout buddies
6. find a prison job that keeps you engaged - you may not have the luxury of a good job at first, and might get stuck with a nasty job, but eventually, if you demonstrate that you follow orders, keep your nose clean, and can be counted on, you will get a better one
7. watch what you eat - if you can, supplement the prison food with commissary items that have good protein and try and stay away from junk
8. take vitamins and supplements yo can buy from the commissary
9. worship and pray in your own way - find a higher power if you don’t believe in God - just find a centering and focusing peace you can use to meditate, reflect, and you can count on to keep you whole
10. at the sign of any health issues, turn in a request to go to the clinic
11. stay in touch with your family and loved ones - have them visit, write to them, call them
12. help the older and infirm inmates when you can - it shows you are just and fair and will help those in need
13. if you have skills, like preparing a resume, writing a letter, or interpreting a complicated document, or translating something, do it. You will get a reputation for being helpful and I guarantee you it will make you feel like a million bucks
20. Finally, take time to reflect on what choices you made to land in the predicament you are in, and vow that you are going to make it right and re-establish and regain your reputation and self esteem

Bottom line? 20 years is a long bid. Most probably you won’t do the whole twenty, but that list above is designed to do some very important things - keep you busy, safe, healthy and focused on productive behaviors and to let the time to go as quickly as possible.

How do you serve ANY prison sentence? A day at a time my friend, a day at a time…

Hope this has helped. All the best to you. You deserve to serve your time in peace and in health and to emerge a better man with as bright a future as you can build.

Decisions, decisions

Black athletes sometimes talk to young people about decision making and how important that is in life. Taking drugs is a bad decision. Joining a gang is a bad decision. 

As many decisions as a person must make in this life, for frum Jews there are even more decisions as we walk such a narrow bridge. Yet, in my experience, decision making evaporates when a person enters the OJ world. 

There are several reasons for this. Firstly, the rabbi makes all the decisions for you, and usually he does so knowing nothing about the situation, nothing about you, and with only 10 seconds of thought, if that.

Secondly, they tell you that the whole world is treife, so that knocks out all kinds of possibilities. What's left is staying in yeshiva or making a lot of money. Those are the only two options in America. In Israel, the two options are staying in yeshiva or going to the army.

Thirdly, they fill you with terror, so you wind up never taking any chances, just imitating the people around you. But worse than that, when you are filled with terror, you can't think. This is one reason that shidduchim is so painful. Everyone is filled with terror, especially the women. 

Fourthly, there's the magical thinking, lots of you'll be fine -- having no way of earning a living, marrying a stranger, ignoring the issues in OJ that trouble your mind, moving to a war torn country. At the same time that they terrify you about life, they paint fantasies about frum life. 

So there's not much decision making going on, just a lot of fear, imitation, magical thinking, and obedience.

And that my friends is not living. You cease to be a person. Your life isn't your own anymore. Yet, the kiruv people tell you that it's Your Life, Your Judaism and Judaism on Their Terms. Then they send you into what's the opposite.

The halacha doesn't dictate any of this. It's just sick culture. 

What are the scientifically proven facts about intelligent people?

 

What are the scientifically proven facts about intelligent people?

Below are some scientifically proven facts about highly intelligent people.

1. Staying up late is a sign of higher intelligence and you experience increased brain activity at night (but it's not good for your health)

2. Having a great sense of humor and being funny is a sign of high intelligence.

3. More than half of the world's population has average intelligence.

4. Intelligent people always want to know more about the world.

5. Intellectuals tend to go to bed late and get up late.

6. Highly intelligent people tend to have fewer friends than the general population.

7. Talking to yourself is a sign of high intelligence.

8. Intelligent people tend to underestimate themselves more than ignorant people.

9. Intelligent people are more open-minded.

10. They tend to have less traditional values.

11. Grades and age do not determine intelligence.

12. Excessive worry is associated with higher intelligence.

13. Intelligent people probably tend to avoid conflict. They understand everything but tend to say nothing.

14. They usually don't lie, but when they do, they are very good at it.

15. Highly intelligent people are socially awkward.

16. Highly intelligent people are more loyal than others.

No books?

I know a guy who attended a yeshiva for BTs that didn't have a library, just a half shelf of books. I asked him if coming from a university that has 12 million books if he found this strange. He said, "I figured oh that's what yeshiva is." In other words, he was suspending his idea of what is required for a sound education, even suspending a fundamental of education, which is books. He was allowing these strangers to dictate to him what was acceptable.

This is what happens to BTs. There's so much about the frum world that's new and strange, that they just let go of their sensibilities. Of course, they are prompted to do that at every turn. You know nothing, they are told again and again.

So here's a problem related to that. Frum culture today is dominated by New York and Israel. Both have their good parts, but both suffer from some unhealthy practices. In New York, life revolves around money! Money, money, money! Everyone's talking money in New York. And so, the approach to Torah life becomes very transactional. The goal is schar, which is like money. And you try to get this schar. And they have this formula that says Brisker lomdus gives you the most schar, so you do everything you can to engage in lomdus. Every thing else pales compared to that. But for that you need money. So everyone is running around trying to get rich. Does that sound spiritual? Your whole life becomes a rat race for money.

The logic is bogus. They base it on the phrase talmud Torah c'neged kulam even though Chazal also say tzitzis, tzedukah, Shabbos, yishuv ha'aretz, and milah are kneged kulam. The Mishnah says the main thing is action not study. Shlomo the King said that sum of the matter is to fear G-d and keep His commandment. But all of that is ignored and the kneged kulam about Torah study is all that's ever mentioned.

Israel has a different problem. The whole society is about militancy. They took the land by force and hold it by force. Everywhere are soldiers in green. So in Israel, militancy takes hold of the culture. Nuances of avodas Hashem are lost. You are in a competition (war) to study the most daf, to stay up the latest. It's a kind of Israeli macho that is visible even in Israeli yeshivas.

The BT walks into this and thinks, oh so this is Torah. He is already suspending his judgement and values, suspending them to strangers.

Some managed to survive in these jungles, not that they are better off for it. Some are so sickened by it that they leave the religion or lose enthusiasm for it.

So I'm telling you, don't allow your brain to be trampled. Your discomfort with NY and Israel is not your yetzer hara or your ignorance. It is good instinct. 

You have to figure out how to be frum while transcending it. Living out of town can help but the problem there is the culture is very gentile, which has its good spots, but lacks passion, and tends to be materialistic.

So there's no easy answer. Live where you function best and know the short comings of each place, even those of the frum people in those places.