FFBs, Shiduchim and BTS

I wish someone would have told me about the FFB attitude towards BTs vis a vis shiduchim. What is that attitude? It is that generally they don't want to marry us. There are exceptions, more than a few. But generally this seems to be the case.

It's not based on much more than stereotypes and ignorance that reminds one of Medieval peasants and their feelings about black cats or walking under ladders. Or, Texans thinking Jews have horns. There is a lot of blind following in the frum world and silly ideas about BTs and bad family backgrounds are one of them.

I won't even bother picking it all apart except to say I know many FFBs with family problems and many BTs from sound families. I also think we talk about family background too much. In this day and age, you don't live with the extended family, so the qualities of the person you marry are much more important than the family they come from. And BTs are often very fine people. You know they are people who seek good things in general, who are willing to change their lives. With FFBs, you don't know that at all.

But they don't want us. It's a stigma. It's a fear. It's just something different. Our accents are different and we speak English too well. It freaks them out.

And I wish I knew this because I wasted so much time on FFB women, wining and dining them. Sometimes  they'd go out with me as much as 6 times. But every date felt like the first. They were just waiting for something to nix it because they never wanted a BT in the first place.

A few times, by the time I got to a BT, I was exhausted and sick of dating. Or I was busy with a FFB and couldn't date the BT.

My suggestion to BTs, focus on BTs. The odds are better of something working out. I'm not saying you can't marry an FFB. I'm just talking about probabilities of success.But be patient with them because they are changing over their lives and might just be a little on edge and a little confused. This doesn't mean they aren't worthy marriage partners. 

I know a guy who won't date any woman who speaks BT-speak, ie sounds like she just came out of  Neve. But  that's not realistic. Because the other thing BTs need to be told is that they just went from having 50 million possible matches to about 50 or 5. You have to work with people and make your own success. It  will not be handed to you.

Gems from R Miller

"Should you be ashamed of your sins?
In this world people are afraid to admit that once they were sinners. But in the next world, the truth will be revealed and they’ll be honored for the fact that they overcame their pasts.
They will be honored for the fact that despite their sins, they worked so hard that they really regretted it, and they’re going to be rewarded for the fact that they did a sin. — Asking Hashem "

from Rabbi Avigdor Miller's SimchaMail 
ww.simchashachaim.com

Be Practical

People today are so impractical. I think the school system is a primary cause of that. They take kids out of reality and feed them esoteric subject matter day and night. This works for rich WASPS who go into the family business and who buy them out of trouble. Doesn't work for 99% of us.

The frum world is also guilty of this. So rarely do people get together and talk about the tough issues of their lives. Rather, we give divrei Torah and sing songs. That's fine, but can we talk also about money, children, and marriage?

The components of our decisions are also absurd. Take aliyah. Most of the time people get into long winded diatribes about the Ramban or the 3 oaths or about national destiny or moshiach or faith. How about the basic appeal of the place, for example it's less corporate political system that has mutli-parties unlike the USA which really has one party? How about being with people who don't live to work as they do in the USA. These reasons are easier to connect to than the Ramban talking about mitzvos and the land.

Even faith as a goal we approach with too much talk. Yet another guilt trip about our lack of it. Faith comes from Jewish living more than it does speeches.

Or why we should not work too much because that shows a lack of faith. Rather, working too much destroys faith because you get sucked into the corporate cult and lose focus on God. So rather than resort to riding on clouds, just look at your life and you have your reasons.

The examples and offshoots of this are endless.

We need to be more practical.