Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Must You Have a Rav?

I'm going to say something controversial. Haven't I done that a few times already here? I don't even notice it anymore, but I suspect from reactions I get that I do it fairly often We have become so regimented in our era that it's not difficult at all to anger people. You can quote R' Shlomo Zalman Aurbach and infuriate people with your alleged apikorsis.

So the following is going to seem radical. We hear all the time that you have to have a rav. You are asked, do you have a rav. You are advised, don't marry anyone who doesn't have a rav.

Here's what I want to say about that. It's wonderful if you can find a good rav. That's the concept of mentorship. The whole world understands that.

However, you do not have to have a rav. You may simply not be able to find one. There are all sorts of reasons for that. Here are some:

1) People including rabbanim are lacking in wisdom today. The world has become so complicated. Who is really broad and learned enough to navigate it for himself no less for others.

This becomes more complicated with baalei teshuvah. How many rabbis understand baalei teshuvah and the complexity of our journey. How many don't try to just turn you into a Haredi FFB? How many follow the Reb Yaakov principle of "helping to keep mitzvot" that I have posted at the top right of this blog?

2) People are busy. They are so busy. The world today is out of control busy for everyone. Orthodox Jews carry a double load. In the old days, your 10 kids bopped around the farm. Today, everyone needs a ride to school, help with homework, etc. That's part of it.

Also, we have become a cold society. Corporate. People aren't that interested in each other. We are really lacking in love and concern for others. We form organizations, but on a one to one level, we are really lacking.

I'll be frank and confessional here. I have lived in all sorts of towns, been part of all sorts of shuls. Rarely, did the rabbanim have any time for me. 30 seconds here and there. A fifteen minute appointment a year. Just no time. It is rare that I ever even received a Shabbos invitation to the rabbi's home. Actually, it happened just once throughout all the decades. I had been living in the town for a year and half and I was a bochur! And as you can expect, I am not the type who is invisible in the shul.

It's worse with the rabbis not in your town. As a Sabbath observant Jew, you can't stray too far from your home. What if the local rabbi is not your cup of tea? What if you are not his? But what's the alternative? It is very difficult to strike up a relationship with rabbis who don't see your face often. I can't explain the reasons, but I have found that rabbis don't take an interest in people who are not congregrants in their shuls. I have contacted dozens of people who I located over the Internet or by reference and have experienced nearly no interest. Two minutes on the phone. A few times I got back a brief email. Nothing ever after that. No how's it going or hey, I found something you might like. I have traveled an hour an a half to shiurim to people I contacted prior with emails and still barely a hello, certainly no kind of conversation. It's shocking. There have been a few exceptions to this, one who made alot of time for me and another who sent me a few things. But95% of the time nothing or next to nothing. It's very strange.

I have been shocked at times that these gentlemen didn't pick up on the fact that I might be looking for a rav, that I gravitated to them for a reason. Any rabbi who tells you that you need a rav better also be picking up talmidim of his own. I suspect that many do not, other than those who are paying dues in the shul or tuition at their school. You get my drift.

3) You might be too complicated to align perfectly with a single person. Maybe the answer is to have multiple rabbanim or mentors or confidants. You can use books too, you know. The answers to many of our questions are found in books. Most rabbis just give you the answer that they found in a book anyway. Once upon a time there were no books. Now we have lots of them and you can use them as rabbis.

4) You might be too intelligent for your local rabbi. You might be too worldly. A BT has seen alot in life. I'm not talking just about travel, but life experience. You have experienced total life transformation. Does the rabbi understand that necessarily?

The goal here isn't to disparage the rabbinate. It's to say, you might not be able to find a rav. Don't sweat it. It's not one of the taryag mitzvot. Do the best you can, like with anything.

I look at it like this. It's the end of days. People are nuts. Things are a mess. The rabbis are what they are. Maybe many are trying really hard. What really makes it the end of days is not just that it's hard to find a rav but that people expect to you when it's not feasible. That lack of logic is really bitter.

Some people find good rabbanim. Some swear by them. That's fine if it is truly productive. I have tended to not fit into either the Haredi or Modern derech so I haven't aligned too well with rabbanim either. If there were a Torah Im Derech rav I'd do much better. Haven't found that. I have learned that it's not good to force it. You'll try to force it if you think you must have a rav.



Comfort, warmth, and a sense of fulfillment in the law

Comfort, warmth, and a sense of fulfillment in the law

"…the religious person is given not only a duty to follow the halakha (law) but also a value and vision. The person performing the duty seeks to realize this ideal or vision. Kant felt that the duty of consciousness expresses only a "must" without a value. He demanded a routine form of compliance, an "ought" without aiming at a value. As a soldier carries out his duty to the commanding officer, one may appreciate his service or just obey through discipline and orders. Kant's ethics are a "formal ethics", the goal is not important.   For us it would be impossible to behave this way. An intelligent person must find comfort, warmth, and a sense of fulfillment in the law. We deal with ethical values, not ethical formalisms. A sense of pleasure must be gained by fulfilling a norm. The ethical act must have an end and purpose. We must become holy."

Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, Mesorat HaRav Siddur, p. 112-3

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Tidbit from the Princess Bride

"You know, it’s very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life."

Searching for God can be like that. Once you get there. What now? All your energies have been about the search. You have to stop now, shift gears because you'll start searching for something else. Now it's time to start living. No more searching or at least the search shouldn't be central.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Shiduch Lists

I keep hearing people bemoaning the lists of names that some bochurim have vis a vis shiduchim. It seems that many of the young women have lists of their own, lists of requirements. They are long lists of difficult demands for twenty-year old boys who have never step foot outside of yeshiva. Many of the demands are pretty close to contradictory: humble yet confident, learned and kadosh yet worldly, serious yet funny. The length of the lists are shocking enough. What's even more shocking are the many occasions where the shadchan serves up the order as requested and still the girl doesn't want to continue. She didn't feel a connection after two very formal encounters in a hotel lobby. I recently arranged several shiduchim in a row that ended this way. I used to think that the community did not exert enough effort in arranging shiduchim. I'm starting to wonder if we exert too much, giving the singles too many choices. Many of them are spoiled, as the old saying goes. It's like offering children a dozen choices of breakfast cereal. They can't choose. Surely, there's an even better brand out there - maybe one with chocolate on top! That's the mindset of many people today and it is one of the primary causes of the alleged 'shiduch crisis.'

Some Thoughts on Shiduchim and Marriage

Some Thoughts on Shiduchim and Marriage

Happiness comes from living which for a Jew means living a proper Jewish life. It doesn't come from getting things. Happiness doesn't come from without. It comes from within. It comes from a soul that is engaged in the proper activities of life, mitzvot. It comes from living, accomplishing, striving for the right things.

For a proper Jewish life, a person needs a spouse (with rare exception). Anybody in the ballpark will do. God sends us such people, but we always want more. We pass up golden opportunities and then feel sorry for ourselves all our lives. We explain it in benign terms. "It wasn't for me." But what that usually means really is 'not good enough.'

The Talmud says "Take a step down and get married." The Stanislover Rebbe explained this to me in the name of his father as follows: People have inflated views of themselves. Therefore, marry somebody who seems beneath you so that you can marry your equal.

There's a tendency today for people to see themselves as being very frum. Generally, this means we are so proud of our alleged interest in one or two mitzvos while we are weak in hundreds of others. We might not even do those two mitzvos with any particular intensity; we just value them from our arm chairs. So if the other person isn't specializing in those same two, we look down on them.

It's the same for many other attributes and interests. I witness so many shiduchim where both sides fail to appreciate each other, all they are bringing to the table, all their accomplishments as Torah observant Jews in these challenging times. One is shocked to see these shiduchim end. The shadchan  just can't believe it. This is what you asked for. I brought you what you asked for.

It's close but not quite what I wanted, we'll hear.

People want instantaneous feelings of affection. They want emotional certainty. But life doesn't work like that. Feelings for people come with time and come with giving, our giving. They don't come from taking. The posuk tells us,"she became his wife and he loved her." (Bereishis 24:67 Chayye Sarah) Notice the order of events. Marriage, then love. This makes complete sense. Love comes from living with a person and from giving to the person. It doesn't come after meeting a person twice. It doesn't come from sitting at a restaurant table. It is not served up along with the pasta.

Orthodox Jewish dating is not particularly conducive to developing feelings. You sit for two hours in a suit at a noisy restaurant table. You never met before. It's not exactly a relaxing situation. You worry that you'll never see this person again. Yet you are trying to look for the elusive "clicking" that the goyim get by hanging out together for years possibly in a group of friends, possibly in school, possibly in the office. Then of course most of those relationships end, those relationships that starting with clicking.

Some people are looking for a copy of themselves or at least a same-sex buddy. The girls want someone they can relate to as they do their girlfriends. The boys want a chavrusah. This is understandable as such relationships are all they know. They have been shielded from the 'opposite sex' so they don't grasp that shiduchim is a matter of joining up with an opposite. You will not be the same. There will be vast differences. That's part of the challenge of life, getting along with people not exactly like you; appreciating people not exactly like you; benefiting from the differences. That includes your spouse. But today we are very demanding, very spoiled. We don't want to bridge the gap. That is too hard, too much work.

It's a good thing that God doesn't allow us to pick our children. He hands us little people and we love them intensely. Imagine if parenthood worked like shiduchim. The children would be grown before the adults ever made a choice. "Not for me," we'd hear over and over again. She’s very cute, but I was looking for something different.

The writer Kurt Vonnegut said "Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go looking for it, and I think it can often be poisonous." This is useful advice for shiduchim, no? By ‘find it’ he means where you stumble upon it, as it is sent to you. Appreciate the one God sends you and don't go on a twenty year search.

The Torah wants us married at 18. "Shemoneh esrei l'chupah" - at 18 to the wedding canopy (Pirkei Avos5:21). The Gemorah says, “Until (a man) reaches twenty years of age, The Holy One, blessed be He, sits and waits (and asks) ‘When will he be married?’ When he reaches the age of twenty and is still unmarried, (the Holy one) says ‘Blasted be his bones.’” (Kiddushin 29b.) The Chofetz Chaim says, “It is a commandment of the Sages to marry off ones sons and daughters close to their age of maturity." (Sefer HaMitzvos HaKatzar, M’A 110)  Every year after that you pay a price with your kedushah. Males and females both get very damaged being single. You lose your innocence, your simplicity, your flexibility. In your loneliness you learn to long for strangers. Dating becomes a kind of promiscuity. You get married finally at 30, or 40, or 50 and your head is full of so many faces, your heart has been pulled in some many directions that your marriage suffers. "Shemoneh esrei' l'chupah." Therefore it can't be that the matter is so complicated. If God wants us married at 18, then the process must be straight-forward. You meet a few people, you pick one and you get going with your life.

Maybe you even marry the first one. I once went shopping for a couch. I walked into Macy's and saw by the door a beautiful, comfy couch. I liked it, but I thought, we'll let me see what else is out there. So I went to six more stores and tried out couch after couch. Guess which one I bought. The green one! I wasted so much time.

God sends us opportunities in life but only a few. You get a few career opportunities. You get a few educational ones. I have observed that the most successful people are the ones that seized their opportunities. And if you examine the stories you'll see that the opportunities were not glaringly obvious. People go with hunches, with a sense that there's something good here. Many people who fail in life are those who demand that a completed story be handed to them on day one. They want certainty. They pass up their opportunities waiting for it. It never comes. Their opportunities get used up. God tries to help you, but if you refuse that help you are on your own. Life becomes infinitely harder.

I know so many sad stories. Single people now in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s. Still complaining. Still finding fault in everyone they meet.

This is a much bigger problem in affluent countries. In poor countries the women say, I just want a decent man. The men say, I just want a good woman. If they see a person like that, they grab 'em. They don't waste a minute. They don't worry about clicking and microscopic alignment of hashkafas and interests. That a good hard working person stands before them is clicking enough. Unfortunately, Jews today live generally in affluent countries. This is one of the pitfalls of affluence. We want everything just so.

My grandfather who was born in a shtetl in the Ukraine and lived through the Great Depression in Brownsville, Brooklyn once asked me, "Are you working?" "Yes," I said. "Good," he said. The exact job title didn't matter to him. Working in general mattered. He was concerned with putting food on the table and being productive. He wasn't caught up in the romance of career and all the highfalutin fantasy that surrounds it in this country. The main thing was simply to work. The same applies to dating and marriage.

It's a tragedy. People make life so complicated. God sent you what you needed, but you waited for what you thought you wanted if you even knew what that was.

Sometimes people say to me, my friend waited till she was 35 but she found the right guy and now she's happy.

I say, she's happy because she is married. As the Midrash says, “A woman does not find rest except in the home of her husband.” (Rus Rabbah 2:15) She could have been happy fifteen years ago too, with children who are now preparing for shiduchim of their own. She might even have been happier having married before she damaged herself. As the Gemara says, "R. Hisda said: The reason that I am superior to my colleagues is that I married at sixteen. And had I married at fourteen, I would have said to the Satan, 'An arrow in your eye.'" (Kiddushin 29b-30a). What was he getting it? I'm sure there are many aspects to it. I have seen it in all kinds of people, men and women from all kinds of countries and backgrounds. Waiting is damaging in all kinds of ways. If God made the world such that we should marry young then the process can't be as complicated as many people make it. Find a decent person and go enjoy your life.

That's the way our ancestors did it.

But let me add that you should like the person you marry. You may not love him or her, but there needs to be a liking. If the dating is full of discord or dislike, then it's not a good idea to proceed. If it's not your kind of person, then forget it. But if it is your kind, but not everything is perfect, then don't toss it away. Keep going. 





Sunday, October 13, 2013

Many Things to Watch For

"We see that there are so many fronts on which a man has to constantly exert himself. He has to guard his health constantly. He has to constantly be on guard regarding his personal relations with people. He has to guard his finances. Then, after doing all these things, he is expected to say to Hashem, "Everything comes from Your hand.""

 (Rav Avigdor Miller on Emunah and Bitachon)

Ie, not just Torah study.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Some Decent Advice from the "Opposition"

“ See everything. Overlook a great deal, improve a little. ”

— Pope John XXIII


I'd rephrase this: Overlook a lot, improve a little.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Slifkin: TheMakingOfHaredim

Slifkin: TheMakingOfHaredim

Vegetarianism and Judaism

I remember an article some years ago from a kiruv organization that seemed to try its hardest to get vegetarians to eat meat. You'd think this was on the level of keeping Shabbos it was so important to the author. Meanwhile, there is strong rabbinical support for the vegetarian diet. We see yet another area where it is not necessary to drive BTs crazy.

----

Vegetarianism and Judaism: The Rav’s Radical View

linked article from kolhamevaser.com

By David Errico-Nagar

Articles about ideological vegetarianism[i] and Judaism are replete with citations from the Bible, Talmud, and Rabbis Kook and Albo. Yet, of the numerous books,[ii] journal publications,[iii] and online articles[iv] that regurgitate these sources, one important thinker is conspicuously left out: R. Yosef Soloveitchik.  R. Soloveitchik had much to say regarding ideological vegetarianism, but his views were not published until 2005. As a result, R. Soloveitchik’s important voice on this topic has yet to become as well-known as that of Rabbis Kook and Albo, who maintain that vegetarianism is good as an ideal but not as a practice. R. Soloveitchik, however, holds that Judaism believes that man should practice ideological vegetarianism, but, in acknowledgement of the evil inclination, the Torah allows man to follow his desire for meat. Compared with other popular views of vegetarianism published by Rabbis Albo and Kook, R. Soloveitchik’s views are avidly supportive of vegetarianism.


read more

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Rav Kook on Studying What You Enjoy Including Secular Studies


"Some have strayed from and even abandoned the Jewish people because they failed to follow their personal inclinations when choosing what area of Torah to study. They may have been predisposed to philosophical inquiry, but lacking appreciation for their own innate interests, they dedicated themselves to conventional Halachic studies. Unsurprisingly, they felt an inner resistance to this course of study, since it was not compatible to their natural inclinations. Had they focused on learning more suitable topics, they would have realized that their inner opposition to Halachic studies was not due to some flaw in this important area of knowledge, but because their soul demanded a different field of Torah study.

Since they failed to understand the root cause of their inner conflict with Torah study, they attempted to suppress their natural tendencies. But as soon as an alternative path became available, they rejected the Torah and the faith of Israel. Some of these individuals subsequently attempted to promote great ideals lacking practical foundations, and they misled the world with their false visions.

Others are naturally drawn to the sciences and secular studies. These individuals should follow their natural interests, while setting aside set times for Torah study. Then they will succeed in both areas. As the Sages counseled in Pirkei Avot 2:2, 'It is good to combine the study of Torah with worldly endeavors."


(Silver from the Land of Israel. Adapted from Orot HaTorah, sections 2:1, 4:4, 4:5, 6:2, 7:1, 7:4, 9:1, 9:6, 9:8, 11:2, 12:1, 12:7. )

Chanan Morrison


אורות התורה / פרק ט- דרכי תורה ונתיבותיה / ו
ישְׁנָם שֶׁיָּצְאוּ לְתַרְבּוּת רָעָה, מִפְּנֵי שֶׁבְּדֶרֶךְ לִמּוּדָם וְהַשְׁלָמָתָם הָרוּחָנִית בָּגְדוּ בִּתְכוּנָתָם הָאִישִׁית הַמְיֻחֶדֶת. הֲרֵי שֶׁאֶחָד מֻכְשָׁר לְדִבְרֵי אַגָּדָה, וְעִנְיְנֵי הַהֲלָכָה אֵינָם לְפִי תְּכוּנָתוֹ לִהְיוֹת עָסוּק בָּהֶם בִּקְבִיעוּת, וּמִתּוֹךְ שֶׁאֵינוֹ מַכִּיר לְהַעֲרִיךְ אֶת כִּשְׁרוֹנוֹ הַמְיֻחָד הוּא מִשְׁתַּקֵּעַ בְּעִנְיְנֵי הֲלָכָה, כְּפִי הַמִּנְהָג הַמֻּרְגָּל, וְהוּא מַרְגִּישׁ בְּנַפְשׁוֹ נִגּוּד לְאֵלֶּה הָעִנְיָנִים שֶׁהוּא עוֹסֵק בָּהֶם, מִתּוֹךְ שֶׁהַהִשְׁתַּקְּעוּת בָּהֶם אֵינָהּ לְפִי טֶבַע כִּשְׁרוֹנוֹ הָעַצְמִי. אֲבָל אִם הָיָה מוֹצֵא אֶת תַּפְקִידוֹ וּמְמַלְּאוֹ, לַעֲסֹק בִּקְבִיעוּת בְּאוֹתוֹ הַמִּקְצעַ שֶׁבַּתּוֹרָה, הַמַּתְאִים לִתְכוּנַת נַפְשׁוֹ, אָז הָיָה מַכִּיר מִיָּד שֶׁהַרְגָּשַׁת הַנִּגּוּד שֶׁבָּאָה לוֹ בְּעָסְקוֹ בְּעִנְיְנֵי הַהֲלָכָה לֹא בָּאָה מִצַּד אֵיזֶה חִסָּרוֹן בְּעַצְמָם שֶׁל הַלִּמּוּדִים הַקְּדוֹשִׁים וְהַנְּחוּצִים הַלָּלוּ, אֶלָּא מִפְּנֵי שֶׁנַּפְשׁוֹ מְבַקֶּשֶׁת מִקְצעַ אַחֵר לִקְבִיעוּתָהּ בַּתּוֹרָה, וְאָז הָיָה נִשְׁאָר נֶאֱמָן בְּאפֶן נַעֲלֶה לִקְדֻשַּׁת הַתּוֹרָה, וְעוֹשֶׂה חַיִל בַּתּוֹרָה בַּמִּקְצעַ הַשַּׁיָּךְ לוֹ, וְגַם עוֹזֵר עַל יָד אוֹתָם שֶׁיָּדָם גּוֹבֶרֶת בַּהֲלָכָה, לְהַטְעִימָם מִנּעַם הָאַגָּדָה, אָמְנָם כֵּיוָן שֶׁאֵינוֹ מַכִּיר אֶת סִבַּת הַרְגָּשָׁתוֹ הַנִּגּוּדִית בְּלִמּוּד, וְהוּא מִתְגַּבֵּר נֶגֶד טִבְעוֹ, תֵּכֶף כְּשֶׁנִּפְתָּחִים לְפָנָיו אֵיזֶה דְּרָכִים שֶׁל הֶפְקֵר הוּא מִתְפָּרֵץ וְנַעֲשֶׂה שׂוֹנֵא וְעָר 68 לַתּוֹרָה וְלָאֱמוּנָה, וְהוֹלֵךְ מִדֶּחִי אֶל דֶּחִי, וּמֵהֶם יָצְאוּ מַה שֶּׁיָּצְאוּ מִבְּנֵי פָּרִיצֵי69 עַמֵּנוּ, הַמִּתְנַשְּׂאִים לְהַעֲמִיד חָזוֹן וּלְסַמּוֹת עֵינוֹ שֶׁל עוֹלָם. –
 וּבְחִלּוּק הַמִּקְצוֹעוֹת הַשּׁוֹנִים בְּסִדְרֵי הַלִּמּוּד, לְפִי הַתְּכוּנוֹת הַנַּפְשִׁיּוֹת הַשּׁוֹנוֹת, יֵשׁ מִי שֶׁנְּטִיָּתוֹ חֲזָקָה לְחָכְמוֹת מְיֻחָדוֹת, שֶׁגַּם הוּא צָרִיךְ לָלֶכֶת לְפִי נְטִיָּתוֹ הַפְּנִימִית, וְיִקְבַּע עִתִּים לַתּוֹרָה, וְזֶה וָזֶה יַעֲלֶה בְּיָדוֹ, כִּי יָפֶה תַּלְמוּד תּוֹרָה עִם דֶּרֶךְ אֶרֶץ, וּכְבָר נִסְתַּפְּקוּ הַתּוֹסָפוֹת-יְשָׁנִים בְּשִׁלְהֵי יוֹמָא בָּזֶה, מַה שֶּׁיִּהְיֶה עִקָּר וְטָפֵל, וּבִכְלָל הַדָּבָר תָּלוּי לְפִי הַתְּכוּנָה וְטֶבַע הַנֶּפֶשׁ שֶׁל כָּל אֶחָד וְאֶחָד.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Love

"Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go looking for it, and I think it can often be poisonous."

Kurt Vonnegut

Useful advice for shiduchim, no? Appreciate the one God sends you and don't go on a twenty year search.