Dangerous for a person to lower himself more than necessary

from Bitachon Weekly:

Chazal say since Yaakov lowered himself before Eisav, calling him Adoni my master eight times, therefore Hashem granted Eisav eight kings before Yaakov had any kings. Reb Yerucham Levovitz points out that from this we see how dangerous it is for a person to lower himself more than necessary; as it can turn around the entire world history. The Ramban says, during the second Bais Hamikdash we caused our own downfall into the hands of Edom by being Mach’nia ourselves to them. This was a result of the Jewish kings making a Bris pact with the Romans, and some even going to Rome which was lowering themselves to Edom. Because they put their trust [Bitachon] in the Romans, Hashem let them fall into their hands. The whole long Galus we are in, came as a result of our lowering ourselves into the Romans hands, as the Passuk says צַדִּיק מָט לִּפְנֵי רָשָע משלי כה כו  a tzaddik lowers himself to fall before a rasha, and Chazal say if a person flatters a rasha, he will end up falling into his hands. Now we can understand how important your self-esteem is for your well-being. It can change your entire destiny. How imperative it is for a person to have a high opinion of himself [and of others]. 

בראשית רבה ]עה יא[ באותה שעה שקרא יעקב לעשו אדוני, אמר לו הקב"ה אתה השפלת עצמך וקראת לעשו אדוני ח' פעמים , חייך אני מעמיד מבניו שמנה מלכים קודם לבניך, שנאמר ]וישלח לו לא[ וְאֵ לֶה הַמְ לָּכִּ ים אֲשֶ ר מָּ לְכּו וגו'. 4 ספר דעת תורה ]לימודי מוסרי התורה מאת רבינו הגאון רבי ירוחם הלוי ליוואוויץ זצ"ל אשר לימד לרבים בישיבה הקדושה דמיר, פרשת וישלח, עמ' רא[ 

First completely forget the past

“And it came to pass, when her soul departed for she died that she named him Ben Oni, but his father called him Binyomin” (35:18) Rochel called her son Ben Oni (“The son of my pain”). Her objective was to commemorate for all eternity that her son had survived a birth during which she was to die, thereby praising Hashem for the miracle of his survival. However, even though her intention was to focus on the positive aspect of her personal tragedy, Yaakov nevertheless felt that it would not be appropriate for his son to bear a name that would serve as a reminder of Rochel’s death, and, to this day, he is known as Binyomin, meaning Ben Yamin, “the son of right”, signifying goodness, physical and moral strength, success and chesed (see Ramban and Alshich). Yaakov wanted his son’s name to serve as an impetus for keeping Torah and mitzvos joyfully with gevuro without any hint of Rochel’s death.

When tragedy occurs, ideally we should be on the level where we realize that, in the divine plan, even seeming tragedies are no less aspects of Hashem’s chesed than any other event. Sometimes this becomes apparent very quickly, sometimes after a long time, and sometimes it will only be understood when moshiach comes. Nevertheless, Yaakov’s intervention (the only time he took an active part in the naming of one of his children) teaches us that the correct approach when tragedy strikes rachmono liztlon, is not to look back at all but only forward with optimism and faith in Hashem’s absolute goodness and to endeavor to continue to serve Hashem with happiness. The name of Binyomin Hatzaddik reminds us that with gevuro (spiritual fortitude) we are capable of overcoming tragedy.

Similarly, a baal teshuva must first completely forget his past, and think only about the future and building up a Jewish home full of Torah and mitzvos, because thinking about past misdemeanors would make it very difficult for him to live joyfully in the present. Part of the mitzvah of teshuva consists in forgetting about the past and living exclusively in the present. Only subsequently, once he has become totally accustomed (or re-accustomed) to living a Torah lifestyle, should he contemplate gradually atoning for past transgressions.

Rav Moshe Sternbuch

Biggest of the challenges

Biggest of the challenges

There are many challenges in becoming Torah observant. The general life changeover is challenging, changes in diet, in clothing, in daily routine, in social associations. Losing friends is very difficult. I'll never get over that. Saying goodbye to 98% of the human race isn't easy, this idea that everything is for klal Yisroel. That's a big pill to swallow for people raised under secular humanism. Limitations in where one can live take getting used to. The style of the literature takes a while to adapt to, abrupt changes in narrative, intentionally non-parallel word order, lessons learned from extra letters - all that stuff, plus that it's all written in a foreign language. The subject matter is challenging, particularly the parts about genocide and slavery and capital punishment for lighting a match on the wrong day. And that's just the Chumash. The Gemara is another ball of wax altogether. And then there's a myriad of halachos: kashrus, chometz, lashon hara, shatnez, perfect honesty in business, taharas hamishpacha, shmiras einayim. And there's the enormous financial burdens. And then there’s feeling like a second-class citizen. And this is the short list. There's so much more.

Just as difficult as all of that, as difficult as it has been, is the sexual frustration, at least for men. Women may not be able to relate. For the men, it's a kind of gehennom. Given how we grew up, to go completely cold turkey, you can lose your mind. For many, this goes on for years. For some it continues in marriage. So if you want to get some grasp on what men go through in that area, consider how hard all the other stuff is put together. Pretty difficult, no? Put it all together. That’s what the sexual stuff is like for the men.

But believe it or not even harder than that is getting used to the negative aspects of the contemporary Jewish personality. By that I mean headstrong, opinionated, stubborn, angry. Few people respect other people's thoughts. In conversation, you can't get in a word. If you try, it's a battle for air time. It's brutal. Your own brain gets stuffed with competing dogmas and you can't think. You feel you are not allowed to think. You are told you are not allowed to think. This makes all the aforementioned stuff 5x harder. Because when you don't think, you can't solve problems, you can't adapt intelligently to the new way of living and seeing life.

There are many challenges in joining the Jewish people. The biggest of the challenges are the Jews themselves. And I’m not a ger. I have Jewish family. And they are quite difficult. But I wasn’t surrounded by that kind of person and authority figures weren’t necessarily that way.

This message isn't intended to scare anyone away. The solution is to get busy thinking and to avoid overbearing people. At least don't take them seriously. Yes, you are allowed to think. You are required to think. The concept of having a rav has become comically exaggerated. It never meant turning off your brain. It means getting some assistance in your thinking, with major decisions. In many respects, we all have to be our own rav. You have to lead your life with intelligence. That means thinking. With that, and God's help, you can get through all the other stuff and arrive at a beautiful destination, one that makes it all worthwhile.