First completely forget the past

“And it came to pass, when her soul departed for she died that she named him Ben Oni, but his father called him Binyomin” (35:18) Rochel called her son Ben Oni (“The son of my pain”). Her objective was to commemorate for all eternity that her son had survived a birth during which she was to die, thereby praising Hashem for the miracle of his survival. However, even though her intention was to focus on the positive aspect of her personal tragedy, Yaakov nevertheless felt that it would not be appropriate for his son to bear a name that would serve as a reminder of Rochel’s death, and, to this day, he is known as Binyomin, meaning Ben Yamin, “the son of right”, signifying goodness, physical and moral strength, success and chesed (see Ramban and Alshich). Yaakov wanted his son’s name to serve as an impetus for keeping Torah and mitzvos joyfully with gevuro without any hint of Rochel’s death.

When tragedy occurs, ideally we should be on the level where we realize that, in the divine plan, even seeming tragedies are no less aspects of Hashem’s chesed than any other event. Sometimes this becomes apparent very quickly, sometimes after a long time, and sometimes it will only be understood when moshiach comes. Nevertheless, Yaakov’s intervention (the only time he took an active part in the naming of one of his children) teaches us that the correct approach when tragedy strikes rachmono liztlon, is not to look back at all but only forward with optimism and faith in Hashem’s absolute goodness and to endeavor to continue to serve Hashem with happiness. The name of Binyomin Hatzaddik reminds us that with gevuro (spiritual fortitude) we are capable of overcoming tragedy.

Similarly, a baal teshuva must first completely forget his past, and think only about the future and building up a Jewish home full of Torah and mitzvos, because thinking about past misdemeanors would make it very difficult for him to live joyfully in the present. Part of the mitzvah of teshuva consists in forgetting about the past and living exclusively in the present. Only subsequently, once he has become totally accustomed (or re-accustomed) to living a Torah lifestyle, should he contemplate gradually atoning for past transgressions.

Rav Moshe Sternbuch