Wednesday, December 9, 2020

Dangerous for a person to lower himself more than necessary

from Bitachon Weekly:

Chazal say since Yaakov lowered himself before Eisav, calling him Adoni my master eight times, therefore Hashem granted Eisav eight kings before Yaakov had any kings. Reb Yerucham Levovitz points out that from this we see how dangerous it is for a person to lower himself more than necessary; as it can turn around the entire world history. The Ramban says, during the second Bais Hamikdash we caused our own downfall into the hands of Edom by being Mach’nia ourselves to them. This was a result of the Jewish kings making a Bris pact with the Romans, and some even going to Rome which was lowering themselves to Edom. Because they put their trust [Bitachon] in the Romans, Hashem let them fall into their hands. The whole long Galus we are in, came as a result of our lowering ourselves into the Romans hands, as the Passuk says צַדִּיק מָט לִּפְנֵי רָשָע משלי כה כו  a tzaddik lowers himself to fall before a rasha, and Chazal say if a person flatters a rasha, he will end up falling into his hands. Now we can understand how important your self-esteem is for your well-being. It can change your entire destiny. How imperative it is for a person to have a high opinion of himself [and of others]. 

בראשית רבה ]עה יא[ באותה שעה שקרא יעקב לעשו אדוני, אמר לו הקב"ה אתה השפלת עצמך וקראת לעשו אדוני ח' פעמים , חייך אני מעמיד מבניו שמנה מלכים קודם לבניך, שנאמר ]וישלח לו לא[ וְאֵ לֶה הַמְ לָּכִּ ים אֲשֶ ר מָּ לְכּו וגו'. 4 ספר דעת תורה ]לימודי מוסרי התורה מאת רבינו הגאון רבי ירוחם הלוי ליוואוויץ זצ"ל אשר לימד לרבים בישיבה הקדושה דמיר, פרשת וישלח, עמ' רא[ 

Friday, December 4, 2020

First completely forget the past

“And it came to pass, when her soul departed for she died that she named him Ben Oni, but his father called him Binyomin” (35:18) Rochel called her son Ben Oni (“The son of my pain”). Her objective was to commemorate for all eternity that her son had survived a birth during which she was to die, thereby praising Hashem for the miracle of his survival. However, even though her intention was to focus on the positive aspect of her personal tragedy, Yaakov nevertheless felt that it would not be appropriate for his son to bear a name that would serve as a reminder of Rochel’s death, and, to this day, he is known as Binyomin, meaning Ben Yamin, “the son of right”, signifying goodness, physical and moral strength, success and chesed (see Ramban and Alshich). Yaakov wanted his son’s name to serve as an impetus for keeping Torah and mitzvos joyfully with gevuro without any hint of Rochel’s death.

When tragedy occurs, ideally we should be on the level where we realize that, in the divine plan, even seeming tragedies are no less aspects of Hashem’s chesed than any other event. Sometimes this becomes apparent very quickly, sometimes after a long time, and sometimes it will only be understood when moshiach comes. Nevertheless, Yaakov’s intervention (the only time he took an active part in the naming of one of his children) teaches us that the correct approach when tragedy strikes rachmono liztlon, is not to look back at all but only forward with optimism and faith in Hashem’s absolute goodness and to endeavor to continue to serve Hashem with happiness. The name of Binyomin Hatzaddik reminds us that with gevuro (spiritual fortitude) we are capable of overcoming tragedy.

Similarly, a baal teshuva must first completely forget his past, and think only about the future and building up a Jewish home full of Torah and mitzvos, because thinking about past misdemeanors would make it very difficult for him to live joyfully in the present. Part of the mitzvah of teshuva consists in forgetting about the past and living exclusively in the present. Only subsequently, once he has become totally accustomed (or re-accustomed) to living a Torah lifestyle, should he contemplate gradually atoning for past transgressions.

Rav Moshe Sternbuch

Biggest of the challenges

Biggest of the challenges

There are many challenges in becoming Torah observant. The general life changeover is challenging, changes in diet, in clothing, in daily routine, in social associations. Losing friends is very difficult. I'll never get over that. Saying goodbye to 98% of the human race isn't easy, this idea that everything is for klal Yisroel. That's a big pill to swallow for people raised under secular humanism. Limitations in where one can live take getting used to. The style of the literature takes a while to adapt to, abrupt changes in narrative, intentionally non-parallel word order, lessons learned from extra letters - all that stuff, plus that it's all written in a foreign language. The subject matter is challenging, particularly the parts about genocide and slavery and capital punishment for lighting a match on the wrong day. And that's just the Chumash. The Gemara is another ball of wax altogether. And then there's a myriad of halachos: kashrus, chometz, lashon hara, shatnez, perfect honesty in business, taharas hamishpacha, shmiras einayim. And there's the enormous financial burdens. And then there’s feeling like a second-class citizen. And this is the short list. There's so much more.

Just as difficult as all of that, as difficult as it has been, is the sexual frustration, at least for men. Women may not be able to relate. For the men, it's a kind of gehennom. Given how we grew up, to go completely cold turkey, you can lose your mind. For many, this goes on for years. For some it continues in marriage. So if you want to get some grasp on what men go through in that area, consider how hard all the other stuff is put together. Pretty difficult, no? Put it all together. That’s what the sexual stuff is like for the men.

But believe it or not even harder than that is getting used to the negative aspects of the contemporary Jewish personality. By that I mean headstrong, opinionated, stubborn, angry. Few people respect other people's thoughts. In conversation, you can't get in a word. If you try, it's a battle for air time. It's brutal. Your own brain gets stuffed with competing dogmas and you can't think. You feel you are not allowed to think. You are told you are not allowed to think. This makes all the aforementioned stuff 5x harder. Because when you don't think, you can't solve problems, you can't adapt intelligently to the new way of living and seeing life.

There are many challenges in joining the Jewish people. The biggest of the challenges are the Jews themselves. And I’m not a ger. I have Jewish family. And they are quite difficult. But I wasn’t surrounded by that kind of person and authority figures weren’t necessarily that way.

This message isn't intended to scare anyone away. The solution is to get busy thinking and to avoid overbearing people. At least don't take them seriously. Yes, you are allowed to think. You are required to think. The concept of having a rav has become comically exaggerated. It never meant turning off your brain. It means getting some assistance in your thinking, with major decisions. In many respects, we all have to be our own rav. You have to lead your life with intelligence. That means thinking. With that, and God's help, you can get through all the other stuff and arrive at a beautiful destination, one that makes it all worthwhile. 

Thursday, October 15, 2020

Teaching a beginner

"One can't begin by teaching a beginner 613 laws or encouraging him to commit to several new practices all at once. Rather encourage him to take on a single good deed.  Ensure that he knows this is one of many good deeds about which he will learn at a later stage. Right now, however, focus on this one good deed. And then we have God's promise that when he will do that deed, it will have tremendous success. Rabbi Saadya Gaon taught, repeated by the Baal Shem Tov, quoted many times in Chasidic teachings, "When you grasp a part of the essence, or a small amount of it, you grasp the entire thing." By encouraging a Jew to observe one of the 613 commandments, it is in fact "a part of the essence." So ultimately it influences that Jew, such that he becomes connected with the essence. Or as the Mishnah puts it, one mitzvah leads to another and the Jew continues to increase in the light of Torah and mitzvos. Moreover, ultimately, this Jew himself teaches others, bringing other Jews to Judaism. He "expels nations" and implants the Jewish vine after banishing non-Jewishness from his own portion of the world. And when many Jews join together, each one transforms the materialism of his own portion of the world and "You implant it." This becomes God's plant. His handiwork in which He takes pride." We go to greet the true and complete redemption when all mankind "will serve God with one purpose." the entire world will be affected to serve God by performing their commandments. And the Jewish people radiate to the nations an eternal light through holding the light of Torah and the candle of mitzvos."

7th Lubavitcher Rebbe, JEM, New World, Old Song, 840

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Steve Hassen

Steve Hassen is a Jewish guy who was drawn into the Moonie cult. Then he got out. It's an incredible story. Now helps people to get out of cults. Here's one of his videos: 

Steven Hassan's talk on Helping Individuals Born in High-Demand Groups and Cults

Some notes

Hassan: on mind control – tune in to your own inner voice or conscience, something legitimate will stand up to scrutiny. Don’t be manipulated through guilt or fear. Cults rely on deception, manipulation, and fear. Locus of control should be inside of you, not somebody else. Cults see life as black and white, inside is truth outside is the devil. It’s all about dependency and obedience. Religious organizations frame it as you have to obey God, but you are in a human institution whose leaders say they represent God. High lie rate is characteristic of gurus. They perform spiritual abuse – rape of the soul. You should be in control of your own mind. The way for you to recover from destructive mind control is for you to be in control of your own mind. It sounds simple but it takes a lot of energy and effort and knowledge for you to reclaim your personal power. People born into cults may see themselves as never having had a self to reclaim. However, people are born with an authentic self. It’s in the DNA. Who am I? Well who do you want to be? Any TV shows you have liked, artists, books, math? Explore. What resonates with you? Takes time.

 

 

Tuesday, June 30, 2020

Everything but the most important thing

I heard a comment from a formerly frum woman that the most troublesome part of Orthodox Judaism for her was tefillah. She said that she watched in jealousy and confusion as the other girls wept into their siddurim.

 The comment doesn’t surprise me. It has been my observation that parents and schools generally fail to teach children about Hashem, about G-d. And what is tefillah if not talking to Hashem? If you have no sense of who you are talking to, there’s not much point in talking.

 While Chumash and Gemara are designed to connect us to Hashem, they don’t necessarily readily talk about Him. In my observation, most of Chumash discusses klal Yisroel -- first the Avos and Imahos and later their descendants -- the incidents in their lives, and mitzvos. 

 What about G-d? He makes appearances but not necessarily flattering ones at first blush. He comes across as punishing. Always punishing. Angry. And Klal Yisrael seems to be failing all the time. They don’t come across in a flattering way either.

 Yet, the Avos come across well. So what happened to the kids?

 And, if you read Tehillim, you hear about G-d’s compassion and love. You hear about His incredible abilities, His power, His creativity, His wisdom. It’s confusing. Are we good or bad? Is G-d kindly or mean?

 Well actually, many of the best questions from the Torah start exactly this way - reconciliation between ideas that seem to conflict. And so it goes, that the Chumash can be read in the spirit of Tehillim, should be read this way. And that’s where teachers come in. They have to explain, as Rabbi Avigdor Miller did, that the generation of the desert was the greatest of all societies. Their sins are magnified. If one person sins a little, the Chumash will say, “You are a faithless people.” It’s like a football coach calling his players old ladies. Of course, they are not old ladies. They are athletes and very tough ones. The coach is trying to motivate them. That’s what G-d is doing. He is loving and caring, just like it says in Tehillim.

 The Chumash is the word of G-d. And G-d is humble, so He doesn’t talk all about Himself. He doesn’t brag. He is like a parent who talks about his kids. He is so proud of his kids, so concerned with his kids. Dovid the King and a few others wrote Tehillim. So there, the topic is Hashem. He talks about us and we talk about Him.

 All of this needs to be explained. There are many basics of Judaism that need repeated explanation. In my experience, this rarely happens. Most people are caught up in the details and don’t know how to give the big picture. I wonder if many of them even possess the big picture. I suspect that many are frum because they were raised that way. It’s like an American playing softball in the park and eating hotdogs. It’s how he grew up.

 Arguably, people today are very weak in faith. This could explain why so many really are just not nice people. I’m sorry to say it. As it says in shir ha-shirim, the bride has a blackened face. And people who are not nice are not people from whom you want to learn Torah. What some do is read the Chumash straight, without the explanation, relishing in the harshness of it. They beat you up with portrayals of G-d’s harshness. They enjoy terrifying you. But their task was to do the opposite, it was to fill you with feelings of warm faith. That’s the difference between a reader and a teacher. The former just reads the book to you -- which is what goes on in many shiurim -- and the latter explains.

 The Gemara originally was only oral. Part of the reason for that was to foster a connection with teachers who explained. The Gemara certainly needs explanation and in that way is still oral. It speaks in an abbreviated way. Like the Chumash it mentions Hashem but explanation is quite necessary. Few teachers can explain the aggadata. And that’s tragic because the halachic portions connect us to Hashem but that only works if you know there is an Hashem. And knowing doesn’t just mean in a general sense. You get the idea, sort of. It means full intellectual understanding such that you can talk about it for hours. It means feeling, conscious feeling. It means actions that are built on these thoughts and feelings. It takes years if you work hard at it. Otherwise, it takes eternity. But we don’t have eternity for this task. We have 120 years maximum.

 In my view, the schools succeed at many things but perhaps not in the most important thing which is teaching emunah and bitachon, teaching about Hashem Himself. With schools for BTs, this is most tragic because BTs will not stay frum out of the habit of youth, which is how most FFBs do it. BTs need to be taught the basics, which is different than being taught how to be a scholar, which is what the schools try to do. 




Sunday, January 12, 2020

R Kotler and R Herzog

Remembrances and Reflections IX - A Shabbos in Jerusalem
In the 1950s, Rav Aharon Kotler generally went to Israel every several years, invariably during the Bein Hazmanim period when yeshiva was off. These trips were intended to encourage the charedi world still struggling to rebuild after the devastation of the European Churban and also to speak and even campaign on behalf of Agudath Israel. After his father-in-law, Rav Iser Zalman Meltzer, died in 1953, he assumed to an extent the position of Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva Eitz Chaim in Jerusalem and gave shiurim there during his visits.

At the time, I did not reflect on Rav Aharon’s role as a campaigner for Agudah. He was, after all, an ardent Agudist and since the electoral outcome impacted on the status of religion in Israel, I assumed that it was natural for him to do all that he could to assist the movement that he believed in. What he did was, in fact, extraordinary, meaning that no other Torah leader followed the same path. Gedolei Torah did not in this period speak at what were essentially political rallies. Much later, of course, Rav Schach did, but in the 1950s, Rav Aharon was unique in this regard. Indeed, it was Rav Aharon who urged Rav Schach to become more involved in klal activities.

Another remarkable factor is that Rav Aharon came from the United States for the purpose of getting out the vote for the Agudah, although he could not vote in the election. Furthermore, he spoke in Yiddish, although even then among charedim Hebrew had become or was in the process of becoming the dominant language.

Except for his summer 1959 trip, I was never with Rav Aharon in Israel. Even on that trip, I did not go or return with him and we were together only infrequently. Rabbi Avraham Stefansky, a talmid in Lakewood who was close to the Rosh Yeshiva, accompanied him on a regular basis. Rabbi Stefansky who has lived in Israel for perhaps forty years and is a top administrator at Neve Yerushalayim, the excellent multi-faceted kiruv and chinuch institution for girls located in Har Nof that was established by Rabbi Dovid Refson, should consider writing his zichronos.

I did speak to Rav Aharon before I left on my trip to Israel and carried out several small errands at his request. The highlight of the trip was a Shabbos in Jerusalem when I ate the meals at what was once the home of Rav Iser Zalman Meltzer and was now the home of Rav Yitzchak Meir Ben-Menachem, his other son-in-law. Rav Ben-Menachem was a member of the Beth Din Hagadol, a state sponsored body that has served as a sort of Supreme Court for the Israeli beth din system operated under the authority of the Chief Rabbinate. To the consternation of kanaim, eminent Gedolei Torah have served on this top rabbinic court.

Rav Ben-Menachem’s family included his wife, Rebbitzin Kotler’s sister who had more than a touch of her sister’s sanctity, and their two children, Efrat and Menachem, who were then about 10-12 years old. Rav Aharon loved these children. They obviously spoke Hebrew and, at least then, scarcely understood any Yiddish. During one of the meals, Rav Aharon attempted to make the case that the Ashkenazic and not the Sephardic havara or mode of pronunciation is correct. Subsequently, Efrat married Rav Eliezer Piltz, the Rosh Yeshiva of the highly regarded yeshiva in Tifrach, where Rav Menachem Ben-Menachem is also a Rosh Yeshiva.

Avraham Stefansky was also there for Shabbos, as was Rav Yaakov Schiff, Rav Aharon’s outstanding American talmid who came to Israel to be married not long thereafter to a daughter of the Brisker Rav who was seriously ill at the time and who passed away several months later.

Late on Shabbos morning and during the meal, Rabbi Wohlgelernter, who was an official at the Chief Rabbinate, came to tell Rav Ben-Menachem that Rav Yitzchak Herzog, the Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi, had died during the night and that there would be a meeting of the Beth Din Hagadol after Shabbos to determine the details of the funeral. Rav Aharon spoke highly of Rav Herzog, adding that he hoped to be one of the maspidim. Rav Yaakov Schiff’s protest that Rav Herzog was a Mizrachist who had not opposed the draft of girls into military service was brushed off by Rav Aharon who noted that Rav Iser Zalman had eulogized Rav Kook. As an aside, there is hanging on the wall in my Jerusalem apartment a poster announcing the public hesped for Rav Kook at the Churva Shul, with Rav Iser Zalman listed as the first speaker.

Rav Aharon also noted that Rav Herzog was a Talmid Chachom who had done much to assist Jews during the European Churban and that Rav Shmuel Yitzchak Hillman, Rav Herzog’s father-in-law who had been a member of the London Beth Din, was an outstanding Torah scholar.

The Motzoei Shabbos meeting was quick and Rav Aharon was asked to be one of the speakers, I imagine at the suggestion of Rav Ben-Menachem. Also scheduled to speak were Rav Yitzchak Nissan, the Rishon L’Tzion or Sephardic Chief Rabbi, and Rav Shlomo Zevin, the prolific and highly respected author of the multi-volume “Ha-Moadim B’Halacha” and many other sefarim. There was at least one other speaker whose name I do not recall. Rav Aharon was strongly inclined to accept, noting that it was important for the public to hear the message that he wanted to deliver and also to hear a Yiddish speaker. There was, however, a hitch. The levaya was to be at Heichal Shlomo on King George Street, the seat of the Chief Rabbinate that had opened about a year before. The Brisker Rav had proscribed entering the building because Rabbi Yehuda Leib Maimon, a key Mizrachi leader, had suggested that it become the seat of a new “Sanhedrin” that would examine and, when necessary, restate the halacha in light of the establishment of the State of Israel.

Rav Schiff argued that it would be inappropriate for Rav Aharon to enter Heichal Shlomo in defiance of the Brisker Rav’s edict, which he would be required to do if he did speak. He then suggested, “Der Brisker Rav is der Rav fun der shtadt. Der Rosh Yeshiva zol fregen der Brisker Rav.” (The Brisker Rav is the rabbinic authority in Jerusalem. The Rosh Yeshiva should ask him whether it is appropriate to speak from Heichal Shlomo.) Rav Aharon did not take kindly to this suggestion. I will omit certain details, except to note that Rav Aharon exclaimed in anger, “Ich ken alain paskanim a shailah.” (I am competent to decide an halachic issue.)

Yet, at the end of the day, Rav Schiff’s words had an impact and Rav Aharon decided not to speak at Heichal Shlomo. As many of Israel’s leading rabbis were gathering before the levaya at the Herzog home on Ibn Ezer Street, Rav Aharon sent an intermediary to Rebbitzin Sarah Herzog to ask whether he could speak there before the funeral. She acceded to this request but, as was reported in the newspapers, Rav Nissan strongly objected because if Rav Aharon spoke at the home, it would mean that there would be a speaker before him and this would be an affront to his dignity.

Rav Aharon spoke at the cemetery in Sanhedria where Rav Herzog is buried. His eulogy was warm and contained much praise of Rav Herzog. Although the text of the eulogy is available, for whatever reasons, it has not been included among the hespedim published in “Mishnas Rav Aharon.”