Must You Have a Rav?

I'm going to say something controversial. Haven't I done that a few times already here? I don't even notice it anymore, but I suspect from reactions I get that I do it fairly often We have become so regimented in our era that it's not difficult at all to anger people. You can quote R' Shlomo Zalman Aurbach and infuriate people with your alleged apikorsis.

So the following is going to seem radical. We hear all the time that you have to have a rav. You are asked, do you have a rav. You are advised, don't marry anyone who doesn't have a rav.

Here's what I want to say about that. It's wonderful if you can find a good rav. That's the concept of mentorship. The whole world understands that.

However, you do not have to have a rav. You may simply not be able to find one. There are all sorts of reasons for that. Here are some:

1) People including rabbanim are lacking in wisdom today. The world has become so complicated. Who is really broad and learned enough to navigate it for himself no less for others.

This becomes more complicated with baalei teshuvah. How many rabbis understand baalei teshuvah and the complexity of our journey. How many don't try to just turn you into a Haredi FFB? How many follow the Reb Yaakov principle of "helping to keep mitzvot" that I have posted at the top right of this blog?

2) People are busy. They are so busy. The world today is out of control busy for everyone. Orthodox Jews carry a double load. In the old days, your 10 kids bopped around the farm. Today, everyone needs a ride to school, help with homework, etc. That's part of it.

Also, we have become a cold society. Corporate. People aren't that interested in each other. We are really lacking in love and concern for others. We form organizations, but on a one to one level, we are really lacking.

I'll be frank and confessional here. I have lived in all sorts of towns, been part of all sorts of shuls. Rarely, did the rabbanim have any time for me. 30 seconds here and there. A fifteen minute appointment a year. Just no time. It is rare that I ever even received a Shabbos invitation to the rabbi's home. Actually, it happened just once throughout all the decades. I had been living in the town for a year and half and I was a bochur! And as you can expect, I am not the type who is invisible in the shul.

It's worse with the rabbis not in your town. As a Sabbath observant Jew, you can't stray too far from your home. What if the local rabbi is not your cup of tea? What if you are not his? But what's the alternative? It is very difficult to strike up a relationship with rabbis who don't see your face often. I can't explain the reasons, but I have found that rabbis don't take an interest in people who are not congregrants in their shuls. I have contacted dozens of people who I located over the Internet or by reference and have experienced nearly no interest. Two minutes on the phone. A few times I got back a brief email. Nothing ever after that. No how's it going or hey, I found something you might like. I have traveled an hour an a half to shiurim to people I contacted prior with emails and still barely a hello, certainly no kind of conversation. It's shocking. There have been a few exceptions to this, one who made alot of time for me and another who sent me a few things. But95% of the time nothing or next to nothing. It's very strange.

I have been shocked at times that these gentlemen didn't pick up on the fact that I might be looking for a rav, that I gravitated to them for a reason. Any rabbi who tells you that you need a rav better also be picking up talmidim of his own. I suspect that many do not, other than those who are paying dues in the shul or tuition at their school. You get my drift.

3) You might be too complicated to align perfectly with a single person. Maybe the answer is to have multiple rabbanim or mentors or confidants. You can use books too, you know. The answers to many of our questions are found in books. Most rabbis just give you the answer that they found in a book anyway. Once upon a time there were no books. Now we have lots of them and you can use them as rabbis.

4) You might be too intelligent for your local rabbi. You might be too worldly. A BT has seen alot in life. I'm not talking just about travel, but life experience. You have experienced total life transformation. Does the rabbi understand that necessarily?

The goal here isn't to disparage the rabbinate. It's to say, you might not be able to find a rav. Don't sweat it. It's not one of the taryag mitzvot. Do the best you can, like with anything.

I look at it like this. It's the end of days. People are nuts. Things are a mess. The rabbis are what they are. Maybe many are trying really hard. What really makes it the end of days is not just that it's hard to find a rav but that people expect to you when it's not feasible. That lack of logic is really bitter.

Some people find good rabbanim. Some swear by them. That's fine if it is truly productive. I have tended to not fit into either the Haredi or Modern derech so I haven't aligned too well with rabbanim either. If there were a Torah Im Derech rav I'd do much better. Haven't found that. I have learned that it's not good to force it. You'll try to force it if you think you must have a rav.