A blog for people who seek alternative approaches to kiruv and the baal teshuvah experience.
Wednesday, December 9, 2020
Dangerous for a person to lower himself more than necessary
Friday, December 4, 2020
First completely forget the past
Biggest of the challenges
Biggest of the challenges
There are many challenges in
becoming Torah observant. The general life changeover is challenging, changes
in diet, in clothing, in daily routine, in social associations. Losing friends
is very difficult. I'll never get over that. Saying goodbye to 98% of the human
race isn't easy, this idea that everything is for klal Yisroel. That's a big
pill to swallow for people raised under secular humanism. Limitations in where
one can live take getting used to. The style of the literature takes a while to
adapt to, abrupt changes in narrative, intentionally non-parallel word order,
lessons learned from extra letters - all that stuff, plus that it's all written
in a foreign language. The subject matter is challenging, particularly the
parts about genocide and slavery and capital punishment for lighting a match on
the wrong day. And that's just the Chumash. The Gemara is another ball of wax
altogether. And then there's a myriad of halachos: kashrus, chometz, lashon
hara, shatnez, perfect honesty in business, taharas hamishpacha, shmiras
einayim. And there's the enormous financial burdens. And then there’s feeling
like a second-class citizen. And this is the short list. There's so much more.
Just as difficult as all of that, as
difficult as it has been, is the sexual frustration, at least for men. Women
may not be able to relate. For the men, it's a kind of gehennom. Given how we
grew up, to go completely cold turkey, you can lose your mind. For many, this
goes on for years. For some it continues in marriage. So if you want to get
some grasp on what men go through in that area, consider how hard all the other
stuff is put together. Pretty difficult, no? Put it all together. That’s what
the sexual stuff is like for the men.
But believe it or not even harder
than that is getting used to the negative aspects of the contemporary Jewish
personality. By that I mean headstrong, opinionated, stubborn, angry. Few
people respect other people's thoughts. In conversation, you can't get in a word.
If you try, it's a battle for air time. It's brutal. Your own brain gets
stuffed with competing dogmas and you can't think. You feel you are not allowed
to think. You are told you are not allowed to think. This makes all the
aforementioned stuff 5x harder. Because when you don't think, you can't solve
problems, you can't adapt intelligently to the new way of living and seeing
life.
There are many challenges in joining
the Jewish people. The biggest of the challenges are the Jews themselves. And I’m
not a ger. I have Jewish family. And they are quite difficult. But I wasn’t
surrounded by that kind of person and authority figures weren’t necessarily
that way.
This message isn't intended to scare anyone away. The solution is to get busy thinking and to avoid overbearing people. At least don't take them seriously. Yes, you are allowed to think. You are required to think. The concept of having a rav has become comically exaggerated. It never meant turning off your brain. It means getting some assistance in your thinking, with major decisions. In many respects, we all have to be our own rav. You have to lead your life with intelligence. That means thinking. With that, and God's help, you can get through all the other stuff and arrive at a beautiful destination, one that makes it all worthwhile.
Thursday, October 15, 2020
Teaching a beginner
"One can't begin by teaching a beginner 613 laws or encouraging him to commit to several new practices all at once. Rather encourage him to take on a single good deed. Ensure that he knows this is one of many good deeds about which he will learn at a later stage. Right now, however, focus on this one good deed. And then we have God's promise that when he will do that deed, it will have tremendous success. Rabbi Saadya Gaon taught, repeated by the Baal Shem Tov, quoted many times in Chasidic teachings, "When you grasp a part of the essence, or a small amount of it, you grasp the entire thing." By encouraging a Jew to observe one of the 613 commandments, it is in fact "a part of the essence." So ultimately it influences that Jew, such that he becomes connected with the essence. Or as the Mishnah puts it, one mitzvah leads to another and the Jew continues to increase in the light of Torah and mitzvos. Moreover, ultimately, this Jew himself teaches others, bringing other Jews to Judaism. He "expels nations" and implants the Jewish vine after banishing non-Jewishness from his own portion of the world. And when many Jews join together, each one transforms the materialism of his own portion of the world and "You implant it." This becomes God's plant. His handiwork in which He takes pride." We go to greet the true and complete redemption when all mankind "will serve God with one purpose." the entire world will be affected to serve God by performing their commandments. And the Jewish people radiate to the nations an eternal light through holding the light of Torah and the candle of mitzvos."
7th Lubavitcher Rebbe, JEM, New World, Old Song, 840
Wednesday, October 14, 2020
Steve Hassen
Steve Hassen is a Jewish guy who was drawn into the Moonie cult. Then he got out. It's an incredible story. Now helps people to get out of cults. Here's one of his videos:
Steven Hassan's talk on Helping Individuals Born in High-Demand Groups and Cults
Some notes
Hassan: on mind control – tune in to your own inner voice or conscience, something legitimate will stand up to scrutiny. Don’t be manipulated through guilt or fear. Cults rely on deception, manipulation, and fear. Locus of control should be inside of you, not somebody else. Cults see life as black and white, inside is truth outside is the devil. It’s all about dependency and obedience. Religious organizations frame it as you have to obey God, but you are in a human institution whose leaders say they represent God. High lie rate is characteristic of gurus. They perform spiritual abuse – rape of the soul. You should be in control of your own mind. The way for you to recover from destructive mind control is for you to be in control of your own mind. It sounds simple but it takes a lot of energy and effort and knowledge for you to reclaim your personal power. People born into cults may see themselves as never having had a self to reclaim. However, people are born with an authentic self. It’s in the DNA. Who am I? Well who do you want to be? Any TV shows you have liked, artists, books, math? Explore. What resonates with you? Takes time.
Tuesday, June 30, 2020
Everything but the most important thing
Sunday, January 12, 2020
R Kotler and R Herzog
In the 1950s, Rav Aharon Kotler generally went to Israel every several years, invariably during the Bein Hazmanim period when yeshiva was off. These trips were intended to encourage the charedi world still struggling to rebuild after the devastation of the European Churban and also to speak and even campaign on behalf of Agudath Israel. After his father-in-law, Rav Iser Zalman Meltzer, died in 1953, he assumed to an extent the position of Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva Eitz Chaim in Jerusalem and gave shiurim there during his visits.
At the time, I did not reflect on Rav Aharon’s role as a campaigner for Agudah. He was, after all, an ardent Agudist and since the electoral outcome impacted on the status of religion in Israel, I assumed that it was natural for him to do all that he could to assist the movement that he believed in. What he did was, in fact, extraordinary, meaning that no other Torah leader followed the same path. Gedolei Torah did not in this period speak at what were essentially political rallies. Much later, of course, Rav Schach did, but in the 1950s, Rav Aharon was unique in this regard. Indeed, it was Rav Aharon who urged Rav Schach to become more involved in klal activities.
Another remarkable factor is that Rav Aharon came from the United States for the purpose of getting out the vote for the Agudah, although he could not vote in the election. Furthermore, he spoke in Yiddish, although even then among charedim Hebrew had become or was in the process of becoming the dominant language.
Except for his summer 1959 trip, I was never with Rav Aharon in Israel. Even on that trip, I did not go or return with him and we were together only infrequently. Rabbi Avraham Stefansky, a talmid in Lakewood who was close to the Rosh Yeshiva, accompanied him on a regular basis. Rabbi Stefansky who has lived in Israel for perhaps forty years and is a top administrator at Neve Yerushalayim, the excellent multi-faceted kiruv and chinuch institution for girls located in Har Nof that was established by Rabbi Dovid Refson, should consider writing his zichronos.
I did speak to Rav Aharon before I left on my trip to Israel and carried out several small errands at his request. The highlight of the trip was a Shabbos in Jerusalem when I ate the meals at what was once the home of Rav Iser Zalman Meltzer and was now the home of Rav Yitzchak Meir Ben-Menachem, his other son-in-law. Rav Ben-Menachem was a member of the Beth Din Hagadol, a state sponsored body that has served as a sort of Supreme Court for the Israeli beth din system operated under the authority of the Chief Rabbinate. To the consternation of kanaim, eminent Gedolei Torah have served on this top rabbinic court.
Rav Ben-Menachem’s family included his wife, Rebbitzin Kotler’s sister who had more than a touch of her sister’s sanctity, and their two children, Efrat and Menachem, who were then about 10-12 years old. Rav Aharon loved these children. They obviously spoke Hebrew and, at least then, scarcely understood any Yiddish. During one of the meals, Rav Aharon attempted to make the case that the Ashkenazic and not the Sephardic havara or mode of pronunciation is correct. Subsequently, Efrat married Rav Eliezer Piltz, the Rosh Yeshiva of the highly regarded yeshiva in Tifrach, where Rav Menachem Ben-Menachem is also a Rosh Yeshiva.
Avraham Stefansky was also there for Shabbos, as was Rav Yaakov Schiff, Rav Aharon’s outstanding American talmid who came to Israel to be married not long thereafter to a daughter of the Brisker Rav who was seriously ill at the time and who passed away several months later.
Late on Shabbos morning and during the meal, Rabbi Wohlgelernter, who was an official at the Chief Rabbinate, came to tell Rav Ben-Menachem that Rav Yitzchak Herzog, the Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi, had died during the night and that there would be a meeting of the Beth Din Hagadol after Shabbos to determine the details of the funeral. Rav Aharon spoke highly of Rav Herzog, adding that he hoped to be one of the maspidim. Rav Yaakov Schiff’s protest that Rav Herzog was a Mizrachist who had not opposed the draft of girls into military service was brushed off by Rav Aharon who noted that Rav Iser Zalman had eulogized Rav Kook. As an aside, there is hanging on the wall in my Jerusalem apartment a poster announcing the public hesped for Rav Kook at the Churva Shul, with Rav Iser Zalman listed as the first speaker.
Rav Aharon also noted that Rav Herzog was a Talmid Chachom who had done much to assist Jews during the European Churban and that Rav Shmuel Yitzchak Hillman, Rav Herzog’s father-in-law who had been a member of the London Beth Din, was an outstanding Torah scholar.
The Motzoei Shabbos meeting was quick and Rav Aharon was asked to be one of the speakers, I imagine at the suggestion of Rav Ben-Menachem. Also scheduled to speak were Rav Yitzchak Nissan, the Rishon L’Tzion or Sephardic Chief Rabbi, and Rav Shlomo Zevin, the prolific and highly respected author of the multi-volume “Ha-Moadim B’Halacha” and many other sefarim. There was at least one other speaker whose name I do not recall. Rav Aharon was strongly inclined to accept, noting that it was important for the public to hear the message that he wanted to deliver and also to hear a Yiddish speaker. There was, however, a hitch. The levaya was to be at Heichal Shlomo on King George Street, the seat of the Chief Rabbinate that had opened about a year before. The Brisker Rav had proscribed entering the building because Rabbi Yehuda Leib Maimon, a key Mizrachi leader, had suggested that it become the seat of a new “Sanhedrin” that would examine and, when necessary, restate the halacha in light of the establishment of the State of Israel.
Rav Schiff argued that it would be inappropriate for Rav Aharon to enter Heichal Shlomo in defiance of the Brisker Rav’s edict, which he would be required to do if he did speak. He then suggested, “Der Brisker Rav is der Rav fun der shtadt. Der Rosh Yeshiva zol fregen der Brisker Rav.” (The Brisker Rav is the rabbinic authority in Jerusalem. The Rosh Yeshiva should ask him whether it is appropriate to speak from Heichal Shlomo.) Rav Aharon did not take kindly to this suggestion. I will omit certain details, except to note that Rav Aharon exclaimed in anger, “Ich ken alain paskanim a shailah.” (I am competent to decide an halachic issue.)
Yet, at the end of the day, Rav Schiff’s words had an impact and Rav Aharon decided not to speak at Heichal Shlomo. As many of Israel’s leading rabbis were gathering before the levaya at the Herzog home on Ibn Ezer Street, Rav Aharon sent an intermediary to Rebbitzin Sarah Herzog to ask whether he could speak there before the funeral. She acceded to this request but, as was reported in the newspapers, Rav Nissan strongly objected because if Rav Aharon spoke at the home, it would mean that there would be a speaker before him and this would be an affront to his dignity.
Rav Aharon spoke at the cemetery in Sanhedria where Rav Herzog is buried. His eulogy was warm and contained much praise of Rav Herzog. Although the text of the eulogy is available, for whatever reasons, it has not been included among the hespedim published in “Mishnas Rav Aharon.”