Kiruv versus what comes after

Kiruv/Outreach Person	After you join
In Judaism we can ask questions.	You don’t need to know that.
Every food has a kosher counterpart with the same taste.	Want some cholent with your kugel?
You’ll make new friends.	Sorry, I have to go Maariv.
You’ll make new friends.	Sorry, my wife needs my help all this week.
All Jews are important.	Feh, he’s a baal a bayis.
The rabbi first poskins the person.	Rabbi Bernstein: Study more Torah. Rabbi Plotkin: Study more Torah Rabbi Schmelsky: Study more Torah.
The mitzvas are so meaningful.	You are mechuyav.
The mitzvos are so meaningful.	One word of Torah is worth all your mitzvos.
We have people in all kinds of professions.	You must stay in learning.
Torah can be kept anywhere.	You are mechuyuv to live in Israel.
Torah can be kept anywhere.	You can’t live there. They don’t have a yeshiva.
Our rabbis are experts also in secular knowledge.	The world is all narishkite.
Be a light unto the nations.	Goyim are as useful as chumas.
Come for Shabbos.	Sorry my sister is staying with us this month and my brother next month and my daughter this summer.
We have large families.	She doesn’t want a baal teshuvah.
The Torah has 70 faces.	We obey the gadolim.
The Torah is huge.	Oh, I’ll use my ailu metzius from last year.
God loves every Jew.	You’ll get gehnnom for that.
Klal Yisroel is a family.	Excuse me, I have been davening here for 10 years and we have never spoken.
Judaism your way.	Gadolim, gadolim, gadolim, gadolim.
We teach the young to honor their parents.	Don’t talk to your parents. They are traife.
We have strict laws against gossip.	Rabbi Schwartz told me bad things about you.
We have different paths, but we respect each other.	He said a rebbi-ish vort.
Shabbos is a treasure.	5:10, 5:15, 5:16. Four hours to go.
There are thousands of books of halacha.	We have a shiur in Mishneh Breruah, hilchos Shabbos.
Everything is in it.
Niddah brings closeness to the marriage.	What, you found blood again?
You are made b’zelem Elokim.	You’re a nothing, a nobody.
We embrace Jews of all denominations.	Your stupid reform confirmation ceremony was goyish and a waste of time.
Anything you do now, you’ll be better at.	Bitul Torah, bitul Torah.
We have our own dancing.
Judaism on your terms.	We follow the gadolim.
	Talmud Torah c’neged culam. Talmud Torah c’neged culam.
The Chumash is the word of God.	That’s bitul Torah. We learn Gemara here.
The Rabbi loves all Jews.	I’m going to leave. Slip out the back door so nobody sees you.
Judaism on your schedule.	I’m taking a walk. Did you ask reshus (permission) of the Rosh Yeshiva?
Judaism on your schedule.	Chaim, wake up for shacharis.
I want to get close to God. We can help you with that.	A relationship with God is for the Christians. We learn.
He’s a genius. He knows everything.	I’m not interested in that. I learn more important things.
Jewish growth with a guide who encourages critical thinking, in-depth questioning and open discussion without boundaries.	Do what you rav tells you.
The Gemara is full of wisdom for life.	We skip over that section.
No, it’s fair because any goy can become a Jew.	Call me in six months. You have to prove your commitment. We can cancel your application at any time for any reason. You have to pay $1,500.
Come get your spiritual inspiration.	With what may one light the Shabbat lamp, and with what may one not light it? One may light neither with cedar bast nor with uncombed flax, nor with raw silk, nor with willow bast, nor with desert weed, nor with green moss that is on the surface of the water.
No it’s fair because any goy can become a Jew.	Actually, we changed our minds, come back when you have six figures. You'll be a burden on klal Yisroel.
He works in kiruv. He’s so idealistic.	What, he makes $135,000 a year doing that?
There are 70 faces to Torah.	Modern Orthodoxy is traife!
Judaism on your terms.	Reform is nothing.
Attain greatness.	Our goal is to break the students and build them back up again.
All Jews are equal. We don’t have prejudice here.	He’s just a ger and a schvartsa.
Every Jew is special.	How dare you, who do you think you are, you nothing, you nobody.
Look at the beauty of creation how it shows God’s greatness.	There is no emes in the world except for the Yeshiva. Look at your chavrusa, not the tree.
You’ll have no worries. Hashem takes care of everything.	We are surrounded by enemies! The world is trying to destroy us!
Kiruv website photo:	You have to learn for a few years before you can date. In the meantime, don’t touch your penis.
Kiruv website photo:	Don’t look at a woman’s pinky.
Kiruv website photo:	We are not like those goyim who drink with women at bars.
Kiruv website photo:	You can’t shake a woman’s hand.
You’ll have no worries. Hashem takes care of everything.	Rabbi, I put the fork on the meat counter. Is it ruined?
The main thing in a shidduch is making sure you have common values and life goals	Does he have a rav? Who is his rav? Does his rebbe know he’s in shidduchim? Who was his Rebbe in yeshiva gedolah?
The Gemara says you can do anything in bed.	I’m not doing that. It’s disgusting.
The rabbi is brimming with Ahavas Yisroel.	He’s not seeing anyone. Even important people can’t get in to see him.
We’ll go to Dallas and do kiruv.	We have enough money now. We don’t need to do kiruv anymore.
And that’s why Rav Yaakov kept gebrachs for the rest of his life because emes is essential.	If we didn’t tell them all this, nobody would come.
Come try our yeshiva, free room and board.	What do you mean you don’t have money for tuition? Send him to public school if you don’t like it.
The shidduch system is so much better than what the goyim do.	I’ve dated 100 men. I can’t find the right one.
Women are more spiritual.	Women are emotional and irrational and almost have din of a shoteh. You have to make her happy.
The Jews are a people of compassion.	That’s just too bad. Get used to it.
We have our own music.	Toras emes, v’Toroso emes, Toras emes, v’Toroso emes.
Love comes after marriage.	Marriage is an avodah. You have to make the best of it.
The goyim divorce. We don’t have divorce. We marry for life.	There’s so many agunos! We must protest.
Jews will do anything for one another.	Where’s your rent? I’m calling the police.
The goyim are violent.	Three rabbis were arrested today for using stun guns on men who weren’t giving gets.
The goyim are violent.	A rabbi in Williamsburg was arrested today for beating a student.
Goyim are perverts.	A rabbi in Washington was arrested today for spying on women in the mikvah.
We must fight anti-semitism.	He’s just a stupid goy. Who care if he dies.
Welcome the ger for you were gerim in Egypt.	Gerim bring their goyishkeit into Yiddishkeit, gross.
Tefillah is so meaningful.	I already said ashrei. We say it again?
Israel has the most moral army in the world.	The soldier emailed his friend a video of he and another soldier using electric shock on a Palestinian detainee.
You’re not allowed to remind someone of their past.	Are you a BT? Are you a BT? How long have you been a BT? When did you become a BT?
A baal teshuvah is higher than a tzadick.	She doesn’t want to date a BT.
A baal teshuvah is higher than a tzadick.	Oh, so you’re a baal teshuvah. Oh.
The women give after marriage.	I want a new kitchen.
We cherish every Jew.	No one will miss you if you leave.
You are going to be so happy.