If I could do it all over again

If I could do it all over again, I would not go on blind dates unless I knew that the shadchan did her homework. There were too many times that I drove 2 hours to see the woman, spent $100 on dinner, labored to be the perfect gentleman but got rejected for things that could have been ascertained with a little research or because she rejects everyone. I would opt instead for singles events. That way if my nose isn’t right or she only wants a man who wears a black hat or she doesn’t want a man who wears a black hat, she’d figured that out after a one-minute conversation rather than after I spent an entire Sunday trying to entertain her. 

If I could do it all over again, I would not use a shidduch resume. If Orthodox Jewish dating isn’t already a load of degradation, the shidduch resume adds another 10 pounds onto it. You can’t summarize a person on a page of paper. And if you could, what happens if he changes a little, if he grows? Regardless, the typical resume today doesn’t even try. You are equal to your references evidently and where your brother goes to yeshiva. It’s about everything but you. 

If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t worry as much about religious standards. The most important thing is not how or if she’ll cover her hair, it’s not about whether he has a chavrusah every night. It’s about getting along. Are you compatible? Do you like this person’s energy, mind, emotions, humor? Do you think you could stand being in his or her presence day and night for the next 50 years? Is this a caring person? Is he or she a decent human being? Not, does he read your mind on the date and figure out exactly what you need or want every second. But in general, is he trying to be a decent person. Is she trying? 

If I could do it all over again, I would not take dates to restaurants. You can’t get to know a person at a restaurant. Truth is, you need to be in each other’s homes to really see what they are like. Halacha complicates that some, but we complicate even more with our rigidity. 

If I could do it all over again, I would only marry a woman who makes a picnic for us. Dating is so one-way, the man does everything. How do you figure out if a woman is selfish when all of them just take and take and take on every single date. There has to be giving in both directions or you don’t develop a relationship. 

Everything I’m proposing here is the opposite of frum dating. We claim to be so superior to the outside world in all matters, especially in courtship. We are lying to ourselves.