I was home alone this week and needed advice on how to warm up the cholent. I went to one neighbor and asked how high should the flame be on the blech. She said she didn't know because she uses a hot plate. I asked her should the crock pot be on auto or low. She said that she doesn't know because she uses the hot plate. I asked if the bag that the kishka comes in is edible. She said, she doesn't know because she doesn't make kishka. So here's a frum woman, a Haredi woman, and she can't answer questions about cholent cooking. She knows only her exact way of making it. She directed me to another neighbor. This lady also knew nothing about crock pots, but she does use a blech and told me to put the flame on the lowest level, and then to keep the pot off the flame. I said, what about if you use a tin, which we do, how high should the flame be then? She said she didn't know as she doesn't use a tin. She did know about the kishka bag.
Moral of the story, most from frum people are very limited in their life experience. Even when it comes to cholent. Not only are they not curious about the world, they aren't even curious about the frum world. I'm not talking about their knowledge of Paris here. They only know exactly what they know about cholent! So usually you can't rely on their advice. They just push you to be like them, and that does not necessarily work for the BT.
Another example, an old lady in Brooklyn reacted in shock when I moved out of there. Why would you leave Brooklyn? Why? Because the houses cost $1.2 million. She doesn't know that her husband bought their house in 1956 when it was affordable. She doesn't know that her house now is worth $1.2 million and that translates into a deposit and mortgage that few people can afford.
She also doesn't consider that I don't have relatives in Brooklyn. Where was she that day? She was at her daughter's house. I don't have family in Brooklyn. So on Shabbos I'll be all alone. Frum people in Brooklyn visit their families. Thus, it is better for me to move to a friendly and less expensive place like Detroit or Memphis.
She might say how can you move to those places. They aren't as frum. Many New Yorkers have this view of out of town. It's not necessarily accurate. You can be just as frum in Cleveland or Toronto as New York and your middos will be better. which is a major part of being frum. But I asked one rabbi about moving to Cleveland and he said to me, you want to be in a place that's growing.
Do I? I think that's a New York sentiment. It's part of the relishing of wealth. They want to see construction.
I don't need all that. What I need is a shul and a mikva. I don't need 100 shuls and 100 mikvas.
What I need is a friendly place that I can afford. And he was wrong on another count, those places are growing. He didn't know all that because he has limited life experience. He never left Monsey, even for weddings he wouldn't leave. He'd never been to any of those cities. It doesn't matter that he learned lots of Torah. He didn't know the practicalities of life outside of New York.
Another example. When I became frum, two rabbis pushed me to study in Israel. I resisted. I had no interest in that. I felt that I was going through enough changes. They didn't understand that because they never went through such changes. And Israel was too much for me in the end. I was very damaged by my time there.
But not only that. These are yeshiva men and to them having a rav is essential. Those were the days before the Internet and before cheap phone plans. Even mail was expensive. We used to send this thin blue envelopes. So even if I had found a rav in Israel, which I didn't because the yeshiva I attended was a nut house, what would happen when I left? These men don't think about that because their kids have rabbanim from their yeshiva days in New York. They go to Israel for a year and come back to their families and their rabbi. They didn't consider that my situation was entirely different. They only know theirs. And what was I coming back to? I gave up my apartment. Am I returning to live with non-frum relatives 100 miles from kosher food? They didn't consider this because their kids go to Israel and come home to stay with them. They only know their limited life. They didn't stop to consider that my situation as a BT is entirely different.
It's not just advice, but even their assessment of people can be entirely inappropriate for others. There's a rabbi on my street, a yeshivish rabbi, who made the ridiculous but common statement that Americans don't move to Israel only because they can't give up their luxuries. I immediately suspected that he must come from money because there are families all over Lakewood, Williamsburg, Monroe, Borough Park who have no money, live in broken down places, get food stamps, Medicaid, and HUD housing. He doesn't know these people because he came from money probably and many rabbis only deal with wealthy baalei batim. Those are the only houses that they ever enter.
This rabbi started a shul in a basement of another shul, but this week opened a huge new building, gorgeous. The aron kodesh cost probably $150,000. And I don't know of any fundraising drive that he did. Whenever that happens, the guy comes from a wealthy family, and that's where he got the money from. That's why he made the statement about Americans and luxuries. Not that his relatives need to move to Israel, but they don't necessarily need big houses. And I have been in the big houses of several American rabbanim and their siblings. There's a whole class of kollel people and rabbis that come from money. It's not all of them, but there a lot like that.
So if some naïve BT takes his statement as guilt to move to Israel it's a problem because his statement applies to his rich relatives. He is talking to himself, as most people even rabbis do.
I can give you 100 more examples. This goes on all the time. The lesson, BTs must think for themselves and go for advice only to people who understand them. And I doubt that there are 10 of them in the world.
No comments:
Post a Comment