Advice for getting married

I just read a screed about dating from an FFB rabbi that kind of turned my stomach. #1 on the list was health screening.  You should look for health he said. Yet, I know a man who married a diabetic and is happy. I know a man who married a wheel chair bound woman and is happy. He literally puts her in the chair. But he loves her, so it works. In the frum world, dating is a meat market and they are proud of it. They turn people into commodities.  It is foolish and it is gross. In my view, this is a reflection of their inhumanity and warped Judaism. 

Here's my list of what to do:

1) Watch for the hashkacha pratis. God helps you but you must see it. He sends people to you. The writer Kurt Vonnegut said, "Love is where you find it. It's foolish to go looking for it. And it can be poisonous" The kind of people who are right for you are the kind of people you'll be meeting. You want this or that, but the people in your class, level, values etc. are the ones in your life right now. You want to meet a British princess like Kate or a movie star like Kate? Have you met any? Probably not. It's not in your social circle, so forget it. People who scheme their way into alien circles cause so much trouble. You hear that Meghan? You want a Meah She'arim girl. Do you know any? Forget it. Go with what is sent to you. Don't pass up the one that comes easy because it seems too easy. That's God helping you. I know a guy who had limited possibilities who passed up on a decent girl because she looked too much like his sister, not that his sister was unattractive. It just freaked him out. Bad move. He had limitied possibilities and needed to seriously consider this one. 

2) Find somebody who likes you. People have likes and dislikes. It's hard to explain, hard particularly when you are young and lack the vocabulary and self-awareness. Your marriage will go much better if you spouse naturally likes you. Get somebody who likes you. Don't  pine for the one who doesn't.

3) Find somebody you like. You just like him or her. It's your kind of person. You like their style, their responses to things, their energy, their humor, the quantity that they talk, their look. All of that matters. You just feel a liking toward the person. Some people make you uncomfortable. You can't explain it. Move on, unless everyone makes you uncomfortable. That's a different problem. 

4) Find someone in your religious ball park. Not another left fielder, just someone in the stadium. 

As for health, don't worry about that. If a person's health condition is too much for you, you won't be interested. It will give you the willies. And if you like him or her, you'll be willing to deal with it. Love is very powerful. It happens naturally. It's like nature's lock down for sickness. A person who feels sick doesn't want to get out of bed. There's no need for government lockdowns as we saw with COVID.  People can spread disease only when feeling sick and sick people stay in bed naturally. So for health, you don't need to hire a private detective to raid hospital files. I remember one shadchan doing an intense search into my health background. It was so offensive. She didn't do any other kind of work for my shiduch. Just that. Nut job that she was.

As for fertility don't worry about that. Nobody knows what will be. I know guys who married 38 year old women and had four kids. I know men who married 20 year olds and didn't have any. Obviously, younger is better but are you young? So maybe don't say yes to a shiduch with a woman 10 years older than you. And probably you won't be attracted anyway. But somebody your age? Yes. Just go for who you like and chances are that person is in your age range anyway. 

As for baby obsession, I see 50 year old guys wanting more kids and looking for 38 year olds. This is nuts. You don't need more kids. You need a wife that you like. You are 40, you can marry a 40 year old if you like her. You don't have kids? Well, you may have missed your chance this time around. First thing is to get a wife, not to turn women into fertility objects. Likewise ladies, don't turn men into frumkite objects. So he doesn't have a chavrusa - whatever. Don't come with a crazy list of how he should be religiously. You probably are just obeying some check list that some nutjob gave you along the way. He has to do this, do that. No he doesn't as long as he's trying. Find somebody you like and work it out. Same goes for wealth. You want rich? Are you rich? Do you live in Lawrence and see a guy at shul? Or do you live in Canarsie and want a rich guy from Lawrence. Love is where you find it! It's foolish to go looking for it.