my use of the shiduch resume

 

I started to use a shidduch resume mostly because the shadchanim didn’t seem to own any pens or utilize their mental memory banks. They never knew anything about anyone, except maybe a phone number. I guess they had little phone books. So I figured I better put describe myself on a piece of paper so as get more appropriate shidduchim that would still be a waste of time but it wouldn’t be quite as ridiculous a waste. 

But it has dawned on me slowly over the decades how much this damaged me. It’s bad enough when you put your career on a paper, and that’s only a list of jobs and responsibilities. But when you try to describe yourself, in one page, that’s rather limiting. People write books of poetry to describe themselves. They write 1000 page autobiographies. And I didn’t even have one of those ridiculous yeshiva resumes where I tell you the name of my brother’s yeshiva along with a list of all the rabbis to which I have demonstrated by obedience. I did try to describe an actual living, breathing human being. I even had a poem in there. 

But it was crafted for the market and then I felt that I had to mold myself to it, certainly on the dates. I became artificial and wasn’t being myself. And that was not useful for the dating. It’s bad enough that shidduchim is a show, but the dating resume made it even more of a show. 

The whole thing felt so immodest. I felt exposed, my details and my description along with my photo floating around town, hand to hand, being discussed, rated, graded. It was gross. Decades have passed. I still feel this way about it. I still think about it. 

I would never have a dating resume again. I’m not sure what the answer is to lazy shadchanim or to singles events where the women huddle in a circle talking to each other, not even looking at the men as Hispanic women do to show their interest. Jewish women aren’t usually very good at showing their interest. They expect you to read their minds and complain when you don’t. 

But the shidduch resume didn’t fix all that. I’m not sure what will, other than improved mental health, human dignity, and common sense in our little society.